Another Joke Section

[Hairs]

 

 

 

[MarkGU]

Talking to a Muslim bloke i know and he told me he had the entire version of the Quran on CD. i asked him if he could burn me a copy.............that's when the fight started.

[Jeepers Creepers]

Brickiematt and Xcvator are driving through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep.
""Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.
"They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise."Jeeez.
That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.
"They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says,
"Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad sleeper. Help me carry it over here.
When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."The two men drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole.Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad sleeper.

[brickiematt]

   Had me worried there for a minute JC........
 

[BigJules]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
 
Partners help each other undress before sex.
 
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
 
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
 
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
 
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
 
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
 
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
 
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
 
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a  shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
 
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
 
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
 
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
 
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
 
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
 
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
 
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
 
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

[Mace]

How it all began
 
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
 
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
 
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
 
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
 
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
 
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. 
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
 
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only
with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
 
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham
looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
 
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
 
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. 
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was,
soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
 
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). 
That is how it all began. 
And that's the truth....
   

[xcvator]

How it all began
 
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
 
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
 
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
 
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
 
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
 
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. 
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
 
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only
with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
 
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham
looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
 
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
 
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. 
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was,
soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
 
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). 
That is how it all began. 
And that's the truth....
   

Waaaaaaaay toooooooooo much time on your hands 

[Mace]

Waaaaaaaay toooooooooo much time on your hands 

Wat about this one then!

Pensioner's reply re Coles
Yesterday I was at my local Coles
store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Chum Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

[Jeepers Creepers]

One day Johnny peeks into his parents room and sees his dad giving it to his mum, whilst she’s bent over the dresser, his dad sees him and gives him a wink.
After he finishes, his dad goes to check on Johnny.
He goes into his bedroom and sees Grandma bent over the dresser with Johnny hanging out the back of her.
Dad yells at Johnny, “What the f*** are you doing son?”
Johnny replies back, “Not so f***ing funny when its your mum is it?”



If Claudia Schiffer marries Brains from the thuderbirds,does she become Claudia Schiffer Brains?



My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms..
"The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Then you should stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Jeepers Creepers]

A bloke was hunting when gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis, which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly" answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Queensland Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[MarkGU]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed h...im a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[MarkGU]

A husband and wife were having sex with the wife on top and then their 5 year old son walks in and catches them and asked what they were doing the mum replied " oh daddys gotta big stomach so mummy is just trying push it down.." then the son replies " oh ok but ur wasting your time because when u go to work the lady from next door comes over on her knees blowing daddys tummy back up.."

[MADCOW]

 
Body Massage.
 
The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made
her scream, nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my
wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body
with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long
hours."
 
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Voila ! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
 

[wiggo]

An  elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
 
About halfway through the service,  Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse,
and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
 
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
 
Frank scribbled  back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[wiggo]

By the time you read through this you will understand.
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready
to take on China!


Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...



The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...



Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this ......
..... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......


And you do, don't you!
 

[Bird]

'North Korea plans nuclear test targeting US'


At first I was alarmed at reading this
Then I realised they meant United States.

[brickiematt]

By the time you read through this you will understand.
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready
to take on China!


Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...



The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...



Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this ......
..... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......


And you do, don't you!

      ROR (Rarf Ow Rowd)   

[wiggo]

1.   Law  of  Mechanical  Repair   :   After  your  hands become  coated  with  grease,  your  nose  will  begin  to itch  and  you'll  have  to  pee.

2.   Law  of  Gravity  :   Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will  roll  to  the  least  accessible  place  in  the universe.

3.    Law of Probability  :  The  probability  of  being watched  is  directly  proportional  to  the  stupidity  of your  act.

4.    Law  of  Random  Numbers :  If  you  dial  a  wrong number,  you  never  get  a  busy  signal;  someone always  answers.

  5.   Variation Law  :  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the  one  you  were  in  will  always  move  faster than the one  you  are  in  now.

 6     Law  of  the  Bath  :   When  the  body  is  fully immersed  in  water,  the  telephone  rings.

  7.    Law  of  Close  Encounters  :  The  probability of meeting  someone  you  know  INCREASES dramatically when  you  are  with  someone  you  don't  want  to  be
seen  with.

8.    Law  of  the  Result   :  When  you  try  to  prove  to someone  that  a  machine  won't  work,  IT  WILL  !

9.     Law  of  Biomechanics  :  The  severity  of  the  itch is  inversely  proportional  to  the  reach.

10.    Law  of  the  Theatre  &  Hockey  Arena  :  At  any event,  the  people  whose  seats  are  furthest  from  the aisle,  always  arrive  last.  They  are  the  ones  who  will leave  their  seats  several  times  to  go  for  food, beer, or  the  toilet,  and  who  leave  early  before  the  end  of the  performance  or  the  game  is  over.  The  folks  in the  aisle  seats  come  early,  never  move  once,  have long  gangly  legs  or  big  bellies  and  stay  to  the  bitter end  of  the  performance.  The  aisle  people  also  are very  surely  folk.

11.    The  Coffee  Law  :  As  soon  as  you  sit  down  to a  cup  of  hot  coffee,  your  boss  will  ask  you  to  do something  which  will  last  until  the  coffee  is  cold.

12.    Murphy's  Law  of  Lockers  :   If  there  are  only  two  people  in  a  locker  room,  they  will  have  adjacent lockers.

13.    Law  of  Physical  Surfaces  :  The  chances  of  an open-faced  jelly  sandwich  landing  face  down  on  a floor,  are  directly  correlated  to  the  newness  and cost of  the  carpet  or  rug.

14     Law  of  Logical  Argument  :  Anything  is  possible IF  you  don't  know  what  you  are  talking  about.

15.    Brown's  Law  of  Physical  Appearance  :  If  the clothes  fit,  they're ugly.

16     Oliver's  Law  of  Public  Speaking  :  A  CLOSED MOUTH  GATHERS  NO  FEET  !

17.    Wilson's  Law  of  Commercial  Marketing Strategy: As  soon  as  you  find  a  product  that  you  really  like, they  will  stop  making  it,  OR  the  store  will  stop selling  it  !

18.     Doctors'   Law  :  If  you  don't  feel  well,  make  an appointment  to  go  to  the  doctor,  by  the  time  you  get there, you'll  feel  better. But  don't  seek  an appointment, and  you'll  stay  sick.




 

[noel_w]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender. It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” Dave replied,
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it;it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued Dave “but it’s far worse than that.  The little b@$tard has gotten our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender!
“It’s not” said Dave.  "The little b@$tard stuck a pin in all my condoms."
 

[kylarama]

Probably been posted plent of times before, but I still get a chuckle out of it.

Workshop tool descriptions

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
 
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
 
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
 
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
 
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
 principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
 
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering your car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
 
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the fender upward off a hydraulic jack.
 
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
 
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
 
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-**** off your boot.
 
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
 
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
 
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
 
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
 
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
 
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
 
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under race cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as a 25mm chain gun.
 More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
 
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detriot and rounds them off.
 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[Patr80l]

A little boy prayed for a bike. Then he realized God doesn't work that way so he stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[briann532]

 
IS SEX ACTUALLY “WORK”?

 

A RAAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

 

Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure".

 

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

 

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

 

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.

 

What was his opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

 

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.


"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

 

The room fell silent.

 

May God Bless the lower ranks.

 

[graylyn]

 

[Patr80l]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.
"I've never come this way before." said one.
"That'd be the cobblestones." said the other.

[bullfrog]

I needed some more deodorant the other day, so the cook bought home one of the stick type ones. The instructions said" Remove cap & push up bottom" I now walk with a limp but my farts smell great!!