Another Joke Section

[JU5T1N]

 

[JU5T1N]

 

[JU5T1N]

[MarkGU]

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?’

Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’

‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’ asked the Nun.

Suzy replied, ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.’

‘What a wonderful answer!’ the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet.’

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’

Little Johnny said, ‘Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night and Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.’

The Nun fainted.

[MarkGU]

A chap asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the guy and he was highly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the chap's table and she told him,
I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!!!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and he
Whispered in her ear,
I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty."

[MarkGU]

A married couple walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet...

[graylyn]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.  Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

 
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,  “’Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
 
 

[brickiematt]

At the end of a school lesson, the teacher was setting the students their homework.
"Ok girls and boys", she said, "I'm going to give you a word and I want you to go home and research that word, and then I want you to put it in a sentence to read out to the class tomorrow.
 The word I am giving you is 'contagious'".
The next morning, the teacher asked the children to stand up and read out the sentence they wrote using the word 'contagious'.
One by one they all got up and read what they had written.
Then it came time for little Johnny's turn.
Up steps Johnny, takes out his paper, and in a loud voice says: "Mr Beasley next door, he started to paint the outside of his house on the weekend. He is only using a 2 inch paintbrush, to paint the whole house.
 My dad reckons it will take the contagious"!!
 

[wiggo]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[graylyn]

 

[noel_w]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[noel_w]

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef’ hamburgers contained 30% horse meat these quips hit the internet..........................................
 
 "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
 
 Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yea or neigh?
 
 Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
 
 Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.  So I had a £5
 each way!
 
 Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....  I still have a bit
 between my teeth.
 
 A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
 Tesco - Her condition is said to be stable.
 
 Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
 
 "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
 
 Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
 barcodes for serving suggestions.
 
 Said to the missus these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.
 
 To beef or not to beef.  That is equestrian.
 
 A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
 ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
 
 I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
 d'oeuvres.
 
 These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.
 
 Talk about flogging a dead.. agggghhh NO! NO NO NO!

[graylyn]

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.
 "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
 
"The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
 
"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is." She answered

[MarkGU]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.



His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f *ck did you invite him round for?"

"’Cos he's thinking of getting married.."

[MarkGU]

What deep thinkers men are...lol 

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? 

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question. 


Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.   

[MarkGU]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says,
"How bad is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said,
"I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl.
They get married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room,
she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them, believe it or not. She says,
"You'll be the first;
no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says,

"Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!" 

[JU5T1N]

[JU5T1N]

[BigJules]

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee.  On his downswing, he realised that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.  You said you hit a golf ball and it hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Wayne : "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged in her anus."

Wayne : "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne : "That was my provisional

[wiggo]

An Obituary printed in the London Times


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, ‘Common Sense’,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons
as:



- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.



It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.



Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.



Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.



Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

- and by his son, Reason.



He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I'm A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[wiggo]

'How many of you love your husbands?'
 
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following
text: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text
messages.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ?
5. I don’t understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time !
7. What the hell?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me !

[MarkGU]

A woman places an ad in the newspaper:
"Looking for a man with 3 qualifications:
won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me
& is great in bed." 2 days later her doorbell
rings. "Hi," her visitor announces. "I have no
... arms so I won’t beat you & no legs so I
won't run away." "What makes you think
you're great in bed?" the woman asks. He
replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[BigJules]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

   The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

   The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

   The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex ˆ occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

   The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

   The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

   The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.  This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more. He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

   And; last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.  You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[lino6]

Was having a few drinks with a mate the other night. He was lonley as his wife was out of the country for work. He was telling me that he missed his wife so much tried phone sex for the first time.

"most uncomfortable thing I've ever done" he said to me.

"Why is that , not comfortable with the dirty talk?" I asked.

"No, I have to buy a smaller phone I think" he said...

[MarkGU]

-

Crow Mortality Rate Study
 
A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Cooma NSW Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
 
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
 
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
 
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
 
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
 
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
 
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
 
Now you know!