Another Joke Section

[wacanary]

Prince Charles, yes him, was in Ipswich (west of Brisbane) yesterday for an official opening of some building.

Here they all are, standing around in 23 to 24 degrees and in walks ol Charlie, dressed to the eyeballs in a full royal ceremony outfit, but wearing a hat made out of fox skin.

The local media were all over it like a 10 year old on a snickers bar.

Mayor Paul Pasali was a bit spun out by the hat and everyone was talking in hushed whispers.

During the formal dinner, Mayor Pasali said to Charles.....
"I have to know, why are you wearing a fox hat?"

Charles replied, "Well you see, its Mummies idea"

Mayor Pasali, looking very bewildered, says.... "But why would she say that, its far too hot for a fox hat and with the animal liberation folks, gee, it was a bold suggestion on her part."

Charles nodded and said, "i thought so too, but you know Mummy.  I spoke to her on the phone last night to tell her about the previous day and she seemed so very excited.
Then she asked, "Oh Charles, where are you going tomorrow?"
I replied, "Oh mummy, I'm going to a place called Ipswich"

She replied in best royal voice, "Oh, wear the fox hat"

Just like to point out that to poms who originally hail from Norwich, this works just as well for us. For "(West of Brisbane)" substitute "(small town in Suffolk)".

OTBC (If you're from Nodge, you'll know what I mean)

[graylyn]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the Mall on Christmas Eve and the Mall was packed. 
Walking through the Mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. 
The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey, do you remember the jewellery store we went into 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife said, crying, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."

[MADCOW]

A family of Moles were in their den one morning when father Mole poked his head out and stated he could smell carrots! Mother mole in her curiosity also poked her head out and also mentioned she could smell something but it smelt like Onions. Now poor old Baby mole struggled and puffed trying to also get a smell for himself. He was out of breath when he mentioned that the only thing he could smell was






moleasses!

[Swannie]

What do you call a camel with 3 humps......


HUMPREY 

[Black Diamond]

What do you call a camel with 3 humps......


HUMPREY 

You idiot
Thats almost as bad as "What do you call a Sheila who burns up her bills.............. Burnadette

[bullfrog]

Very crook boys, very crook!!! But I'm still chuckling 

[xcvator]

There was a young man from Boston
He had a baby Austen
There was room for his ass,
A gallon of gas
But the rest hung out and he lostem   

[Jeepers Creepers]

The Australian Poetry Competition was was on last night and it came down to two finalist.
A university graduate and and an old aboriginal elder.

For the final, both competitors would be given the same word and have 60 seconds to write a poem about it.

The compare announced, the word is Timbuktu and a hush fell across the audience. Both men quickly wrote their best effort and 60 seconds later, it was "pens down"

First up was the university graduate, his effort at the end of 60 seconds was.....

"Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely, caravan.
men on camels, two by two,
destination---- Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, cheering and clapping.
No way, anyone was going to top that they thought.

The aboriginal elder picked up his piece of paper and preceded to recite his effort.

"Me and Tim, a hunting went,
we met three whores in a pop up tent.
They were three and we was two,
So i bucked one and Tim bucked two.

The aboriginal won..... 

[MarkGU]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
   
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
 
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?

[Jeepers Creepers]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f#*king widow!!!

[Fun Police]

I don't get it...

[macca]

I don't get it...

Sadly I do

[Pipeliner]

What do you call a camel with 3 humps......


HUMPREY 

I didn't get it until I realised that HUMPHREY had been spelled incorrectly!

[deepop]

Sadly I do

I'm sad too Macca!

[evanw]

 

[evanw]

one more, credits to xkcd.com

[austastar]

Hi,





cheers

[briann532]

Now Thats FUNNY..................

[MarkGU]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing  rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

 

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

 

She said "I looked up 'beautiful climbing rose' in the encyclopaedia last night, and it said 'Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence - no good in an open bed!"

[MarkGU]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Brisbane.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

[Smoko]

 
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, "  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well,  he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? "  he asks.

" Well, "  his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "


 
 
 

[Hairs]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not Shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

[bullfrog]

You sick SOB Jon,  bloody funny!!!

[Jeepers Creepers]

I nearly humped a transexual last night.
Picked him up in a night club.
He looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Hang on. wait a minute…”...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward.... eh?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive pr!ck.”

[MarkGU]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……..