Another Joke Section

[aquadux]

Please find below my suggestion for fixing the Australian economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants eg. insulation bats, solar panels, school funds to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students why not use the following:

There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay the $2 million each severance foe early retirement with the following stipulations.

1:- They mus retire.
5 million job openings - unemployment fixed

2:- They must buy a new Australian car.
5 million cars ordered - car industry fixed

3:- They must either buy a house or pay off their mortgage.
Housing crisis fixed.

4:- They must sent their kids to school/college/university.
Crime rate fixed

5:- They must buy $100.00 worth of alcohol a week.
There's your money back in Duty/tax etc.

It can't be easier than that.

[bunyip]

Nice work there aquadux , especially point 5

[Alan Loy]

Good idea!  It will only cost 10 trillion dollars ($10,000,000,000,000)

[davethepom]

Here's a couple that one of the clowns I work with told me this morning .  Oldies, but made me laugh!



Two blokes are at the bar, having a few drinks.

After several beers one says to the other; "I've had sex with your Mother!"  When he gets no response he turns toward the other guy and says, much louder; " I'VE HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The second guy has a mouthfull of beer, turns and responds; "Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink!"




A man goes to the Doctor and says to him; "Doctor, I've got a Strawberry stuck up my bottom!"

The Doctor replies; "Don't worry, I've got some cream for that."

[Ricklanga]

[Jeepers Creepers]

I went to the doctor the other day for my yearly check up.....,

As he was finsihing up, the doc says,
"you're in pretty shape, is there anything worrying you?"

I said, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
My farts never smell and are always silent, even the most wettest, biggest farts ever known to mankind.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 15 or 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says,
"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week, i went back.
"Doctor," I said, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says,
"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[BigJules]

I hope not too many of these are recycled


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

[Ricklanga]

Please don't read if you're easily offended!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath..

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He breathlessly struggles to ask again, 'Can you check Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was Just wonderful, but listen very, very carefully.....
 

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[austastar]

Hi,
  True story, (talking about black testicles.)


A long time ago in another world called employment, I had a request to photograph a chap who had a swollen black scrotum after a hernia operation.
We are talking egg plant similarities here.
The poor old fellow was a bit embarrassed, and to put him at ease, I told him about the South African Army Sergant. All of his privates were black.


cheers

[Jeepers Creepers]

A very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually
blurted out" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and
immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the
couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"… d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Hairs]

Very good Jeepers, 
I stumbled across this the other day and kept it just for you. 
 

[Jeepers Creepers]

I don't have any kids to either of my wives, so you may be onto something here.

Anyway, not far from us, they've reopened a factory making those "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls again. Remember them, from the 80's.

Anyway, the wife fronted up on her first day, was given her instructions and away she went.

As the dolls came to the end of the assembly line, my wife did what she was told and then straight into their presentation box and off to the shops.

As her first day was coming to an end, the general manager came running up to her yelling,

"You stupid woman, what the f*#^in hell are you doing, you'll ruin me, you stupid bitch"

The wife just stood there, not knowing what to say when the manager blurted out.....

"I SAID GIVE THEM ALL TWO TEST TICKLES"

[davethepom]

My lesbian neighbours recently asked me what I'd like for my Birthday.  After waiting excitedly for about a week, they presented me with a gold Rolex.




I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

[Nutto]

Prank call to a truckie

warning: -  has some strong words, so be careful with sound
http://www.fugly.com/videos/12032/australian_truck_driver_engine_brake_call.html
 

[Jeepers Creepers]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Sydney.

A woman may go to this store and purchase a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

RULES FOR PURCHASING A HUSBAND:
...
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[markbos]

Why Tazers are not allowed in Australia for Self Defence

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

*Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.* *A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:*

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

*The directions said that:* a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

*Note:* If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. - The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. - My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. - My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. - I had no control over the drooling. - Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. - I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

*PS:* My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[chillipepperz]

Tazer! Funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Somehow I reckon most blokes can relate to that sort of adventurous stupidity....maybe a contender for the Darwin Awards though.

[Hairs]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
 

[Hairs]

Hmm He's got a point

[Nitro Steve]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? 

When she starts her sentence with "a man once told me"

[fuji]

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
 
In General:
 
Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
Take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
 
 
Eating Out:
 
When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
 
 
Entertaining at Home:
 
A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
 
 
Personal Hygiene:
 
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.
Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
 
 
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
 
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.
Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
 
 
Weddings:
 
Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
 
 
Driving Etiquette:
 
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,  even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,  it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Hairs]

Hmm, I could get shot for this 

[Hairs]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways'.
MUM FAINTED!!!!!

[MarkGU]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...
In and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first,
Then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f..king car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[markbos]

National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' ''Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'



I think this could be one post that

 

Does not apply