Another Joke Section

[MarkGU]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

[noel_w]

The Pope was having a shower.  Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy stuff flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy The reputation of the Church!"...
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did It cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."
"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"

[Tjupurula]

The old drunk black fella walked into a take away shop....I will have two of those pissoles please.  The girl behind the counter said Pardon.  The drunk said I will have two of the pissoles please.  The girl looked at the menu board, and said....that is an R sir, not a P.   The drunk said, I am not eating an Rsole, and walked off quite disgusted.
Tjupurula

[bushrat]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
 to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
 up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
 stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
 or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
 you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
 stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
 out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
 thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
 the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
 God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know Shit?"

 And then she went back to reading her book.

[Marschy]

A little girl is walking her dog along the street with a man approaching her from the opposite direction.

As the man gets nearer to her he can't help but notice how pretty she is, so he strikes up a conversation with her.

He says in a friendly voice, "Hello there, that's a marvelous looking dog you have there. What's his name". She replies in an angelic voice, "His is name is Piggy".

"And what is your name then?", he asks. "My name is Petal" she responds.

"What a lovely name you've got, how did you get it?" he enquires.

"Well, my mummy told me when she and Daddy made me, a flower fell on her head, so she thought that if she ever had a baby girl, she would name her Petal".

"What a lovely story", he exclaimed. "And how did your doggy get his name?", he asked.

"Oh, he farks pigs"

[lino6]

Tonto, with his ear pressed to the ground, looks up at the lone ranger and says "buffalo come". The lone ranger replies "wow, how do you know Tonto"? Tonto replies "face sticky".....

[Jeepers Creepers]

Best joke of all time....

NSW trying to win state of origin... bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .

[Moggy]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we  started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
 
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.

'Oh, Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
 
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f#cking Coco Pops'

[Moggy]

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
 "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
 "Is it common?"
 "Well........It's not unusual........."

Two tv aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Oh my!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

My house got broken into last night, they stole all my dictionary's and my scrabble set!
Needless to say, I'm lost for words.

[Moggy]

Bob the biker always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over.. 'Nope.

Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bob yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat.

[truck]

A tough old cowboy from south texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[lino6]

I saw something funny on TV last night, there was this bunch of blokes calling themselves "cricketers" who were supposed to be representing Australia. These guys are clearly a bunch of comedy actors! 

[HEM19X]

Listening to the radio yesterday, a racing commentator said "That horse is in more trouble that the Aussie cricket team" & Yes it ran a distant LAST!

[olddigger]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls. You must be Kevin Rudd."



 

[McGirr]

Fred:  "After all the crap they are finally back together!!!"

Susie: "Who?"

Fred:  "My butt cheeks!"

Mark

[MADCOW]

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[Moggy]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!

[xcvator]

A definition of virginity , just a bubble on the stream of life, one prick ands it's gone forever
         

[gunna]

Letter to a men's helpline..
Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

  sheeds

[CGS]

A man walks into a library and wanted to loan out a book about suicide. The librarian said, " No way, you won't bring it back".

[murmar]

What's blue, and smells like red paint?


V


V


V

Blue paint.

(a good dad joke  )

[Robbo]

 Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia.

    A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when
    he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him..

    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
    initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
    law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
    degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
    than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
    suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they
    also beat him.

    After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
    domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
    the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
    custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
    officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Rugby team,
    whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone...   

[MarkGU]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[Mallory Black]

Why old men don't get hired..

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."
 
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
 
Old Man : "I don't really give a Shit what you think."
 

[Marschy]

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
"That'll be us in ten years.

He said, "That's a mirror, you dick head."