Another Joke Section

[lino6]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

[Dillonator]

A mushroom goes into a bar.
Says the bartender: "oi, we don't serve your kind in here"

Mushroom:"why not, I'm a Fun-guy"

[yupyup]

Just seen this on facebook didn't know if ne1 has seen it yet pmsl
Just have to share this LOL

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to
create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments
later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

******************************

[scarps]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death, or I have sex with you.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So, he bent over, and the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear Stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death, or I have rough sex with you.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So, he bent over again, and the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

[bobnrob]

Poor Schapelle Corby...

She's missed out on so many things from the past 10 years.
Imagine when she goes to use a supermarket self serve for the first time...

"Unexpected item in bagging area"

F*@k, not this again!!!

[Robbo]

Paddy and Colleen

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes a look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[Pipeliner]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and they gave their drink order..

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,

'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says -


'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"'

[MarkGU]

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “about what?”

[MarkGU]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper

[MarkGU]

Q. Where do kiwi's go for their holiday?

A. New Zealand.

[Hairs]

[MADCOW]

           What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim

[RobM]

HOW TO STOP THE VILLAGE GOSSIP


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night.

[Black Diamond]

My 8yr old daughter just came and told me one.

What type of tricks do Rabbits do on a BMX bike?? BUNNY HOPS....... God love her soul



She just backed it up with :
Why did the orange stop rolling?? It ran out of juice . My ribs I can't stop laughing

And again she is a comedian. What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef

God love her

[Swannie]

My 8yr old daughter just came and told me one.

What type of tricks do Rabbits do on a BMX bike?? BUNNY HOPS....... God love her soul



She just backed it up with :
Why did the orange stop rolling?? It ran out of juice . My ribs I can't stop laughing

And again she is a comedian. What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef

God love her

[xcvator]

Jeez Swannie, don't encourage him 

[Hairs]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Damn autocorrect!   I meant "wifi", not "wife"
 

[Robbo]

A Pam Ayres poem

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)



The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".



Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...



In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!



Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!



Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.



She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!



Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one!!



Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

[Patr80l]

 

[666Glenn]

Not sure if this has been on here befroe , but anyway.

Well, here`s a great idea!

Watch your wedding video backwards .
The night starts with you getting a shot away....

Then you have a great time and sober up without a hangover......

You`ll love the end bit where you take the ring off , go back down the
aisle , jump in the car and take off with your mates.

[Patr80l]

Qantas were doing a health survey of all of their pilots some years ago.    One of the questions was "When did you last have sex?".
The nurse wasn't sure how to approach this question with their oldest pilot.   Even though he was close to retirement, there were rumors of him being a bit of a ladies man.
When asked the question he told the young nurse "1955".
She was shocked and told the pilot that was a long time ago.
He looked at his watch and said "Why? It's only twenty-one hundred now."

[Robbo]

Important information

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

 Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[MattNQ]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

  The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

  The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
  Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"  and took off running circles around Silver.

  Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
  "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

[MarkGU]

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins) ,done sir

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more

Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home

[GGV8Cruza]

Just a reminder that this is a family forum and anything outside this will be removed

GG