Another Joke Section

[Mallory Black]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
 

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage!"

[MADCOW]

Might be stretching things a bit!

Son asked his mum the other day "Why is England called a kingdom?" Mum replies it because a long time ago they were ruled by a king! Hmmm son thinks and then replies "well why do we call Australia a country?"

[Ricklanga]

The Genie Scam

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[Ricklanga]

A man staggered into a hospital emergency room, badly battered and bruised. A nurse and a doctor rushed over to help him to an examining room.

"How did you receive these injuries?" the doctor asked.

"I was playing golf with my wife," The man replied.

The doctor was incredulous. "How could you possibly have been injured this severely playing golf with your wife?" he asked.

The man explained what happened. He and his wife both hit their tee shots on the first hole off line. "I hooked mine into the woods, left," The man said, "while my wife hit a huge slice that flew into a cow pasture on the right side of the hole."

After the man found his ball and hit it back into the fairway, he explained, he went to help his wife locate her tee shot.

"I was walking around amongst the cows," The man explained, "when I spotted something white on the backside of a heifer. I went over to it and lifted its tail, and sure enough, my wife's ball had lodged right in the heifer's posterior!

"So I pointed at the heifer's backside and yelled over to my wife, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours.' "

[lino6]

Driving home the other day and the boss sees a paddock full of cows. A fer k's down the road she sees another paddock full of cows. She turns to me and says "are they the same cows we saw back a few k's"? "No" I reply, you are having deja moo.

[MarkGU]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,''calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[wiggo]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says,
"You're a duck."
   
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
   
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
   
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

 
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
   
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

 
"I'm a plasterer."
   
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
   
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
   
The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
   
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
   
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card..

 
"Get him to give me a call."
   
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

 
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
   
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

 
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.
   
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
   
"That's right," Replies the barman.
   
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
   
"Yeah," the barman replies.
   
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
   
"Of course," the barman replies.
   
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
   
"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
>  ..

>  ..

>  ..

>  ..

>  ..

"What the f@#$ would they want with a plasterer??!"

 
 
 


 
 
 

 




 







 
 
 

[Kangaron]

A new strain of the old disease, GONORRHEA has become rampant!! This one has been named GONORRHEA LECTOR, and is pronounced, "GONNA RE-ELECT 'ER". This strain is contracted by placing ones cranium up ones rectum.

It is now common knowledge that many victims contracted it in 2010......, but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realise how destructive this disease is.

This is sad because GONORRHEA LECTOR is so easily cured with a new drug coming onto the market, called VOTEROUT. You take the first dose in 2013, the second dose in 2016, and simply don't engage in such behaviour again; otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe-out all of us here in Australia!!

Please pass the information of this miraculous cure on to anyone you know who might still be infected with GONORRHEA LECTOR before it's too late!!

[Marschy]

There is also another new disease called HAGS. It 's a combination of Herpes, AIDS,  Gonorrhea and Syphilis.

If you get it they lock you up in room and feed you on a permanent diet of pizzas and pancakes, cause that's the only thing that will slide under the door.

[MarkGU]

What is Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
' White Wings, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy ...

[MarkGU]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

[JU5T1N]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

[MarkGU]

Gillard goes on a State visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she has a fatal heart attack.

The Undertakers tell the OZ diplomats: "You can have her shipped home for $1 million or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $1000."

The OZ diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the Undertaker and tell him they still want Gillard flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get her home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".

[Pipeliner]

Why are there separate toilets for men and women?

So blokes don't get shouted at for leaving the seat up.

[JU5T1N]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, I'm 40 and just looking for a girl with big (    @    )(    @    )

[JU5T1N]

low budget Viagra (made in India)

[Bird]

When interviewed today by a reporter for the BBC, two American students have signalled their hopes for a newly elected Pontiff to be a 'Pope for young people.'
 
Oh, don't you worry about that. He loves kids...

[JU5T1N]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[JU5T1N]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[JU5T1N]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[JU5T1N]

Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.

A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.

After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any f-ing ears!”

[JU5T1N]

[cancan]

The IRISH 999 Call :
 
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally discharges it and shoots him.
 
She immediately dials 999.
 
Irish woman :  '' It's my fooken' husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken' killed him ! ''
999 Operator :  '' Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead ! ''
 
 
 
*click* .. *BANG !*
 
 
 
Irish woman :  '' Okay, I've done dat....................  What's next ? ''

[carinya]

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Bankstown, Sydney.
The teacher takes the roll call:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."

"athina Al Chadoury? "
"Here."

"Abdul Alu Kohl?"
"Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."

"Mi Cha El Oh Ben " Silence in the classroom..

"Mi Cha El Oh Ben"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,

"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Oh Ben ?"

A boy puts his hand up and says, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced/*Michael OBrien."

[MarkGU]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"