Another Joke Section

[Swannie]

What do you call a camel with three humps......Humphrey 

Swannie

[Cruiser 105Tvan]

What do yo call a Camel with No humps?





HUMPFREE

[lino6]

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

[HEM19X]

Statistics state that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are NOT HAPPY!!!!!

[Patr80l]

Statistics state that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are NOT HAPPY!!!!!

and half the population has below average intelligence.

[Nomad]

A broadcaster speaking on live radio in Auckland, says,  "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Auckland?. 

I think it should be the goal of every New Zealander to be tolerant, regardless of their religious beliefs. 
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. They are seeking tolerance, and so are we. 

So we could call one of the clubs "The Turban Cowboy " and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that would be an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called ?Iraq o' Ribs." 

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ",with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. 

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, with its name in flashing neon lights, ?Koranal Knowledge ". 

And on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."  All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance that they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.  Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.

[lino6]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
                             
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
 
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

 

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents;  embezzled from his employer;  had an affair with his boss’s wife;  had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions,  taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs;  was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician.  “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

[scarps]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,

And whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[Cruiser 105Tvan]

No Scarps, No, No,

That's when the fight started,                                                  again.

[lino6]

What do you call a Toyota with smashed head lights.....
^
^
^
^
^
^
A "no-lux"

[lochgilphead]

Bloke races into the house and yells at his wife "Quick get me a beer it's about to start"  The wife gets him a beer and he settles on the couch in front of the TV.  After a couple of minutes he yells out "Come on - get me another bloody beer it's about to start"  The wife dutifully provides another beer.  When he again screams out for another beer because it's about to start his missus loses the plot and proceeds to tell him in detail what a crap day she has had and who does he thin"k he is just sitting there drinking beer and why couldn't he at least try and look after her wishes for a change.

The bloke just looks at her and says "It's started.

[Cruiser 105Tvan]

So when does he get out of the ICU again?

[MarkGU]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

[Patr80l]

Schrodinger, it's about your cat.   I've got good news and I've got bad news.

[MarkGU]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[noel_w]

It was so cold today I saw a teenager with his pants pulled up.

[Ynot]

For the Photographers...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[Patr80l]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[Bunyip]

World Cup 2014

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[HEM19X]

World Cup 2014

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

  PMSL

[scarps]

A farmer was sitting on his verandah cleaning his double barrel shotgun. He had 3 beautiful daughters and needed to vet all the local suitors and scare off the unsuitable types.

In the gate and up the long driveway came a clean cut young man who paused at the foot of the front steps and said politely, "G'day sir. I'm Clance. I've come to take Nance to the Dance,"
The farmer looked him up and down, kept cleaning his gun and said, "Roghty-o Clance. I like your stance. You can take Nance to the dance," he called to his daughter who gleefully ran out to the relieved suitor and the pair walked out the gate arm in arm.

As they left, in walked another cleancut young man who nervously ran his new Akubra around his fingers and introduced himself, "Uh, g'day sir. I'm Joe. I've come to take Flo to the show,"
The farmer rested the gun across his knee, rubbed his chin and said, "Ok Joe, you can take Flo to the show. Off you go,"
Again he called for his daughter who happily walked out, took the young mans arm and headed out the gate.

As they walked out the gate a noisy ute blared it's "Dixie" horn at them and entered the dirt driveway sideways and arrived in front of the verandah under locked brakes and a huge dusty skid. From under his furrowed brow the farmer disdainfully looked at the utes array of aerials, mudflaps, B & S stickers and 5 poster bullbar. From this vehicle climbed the classic Concrete Cowboy who announced, "Hey mate! My name's Buck, and with a bit of luck....."

The farmer shot him.

[xcvator]

 One Monday morning Jeepers Creepers was
Riding  through the neighbourhood on his usual route, cutting the grass.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine
And spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
 

 
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' Jeepers Creepers commented.
 
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt
Like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the
Neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around
Midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

Jeepers thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet
With only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
Guess who it is..'

The mowerman laughed  and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
 

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

[xcvator]

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl#wj#b.'

[Moggy]

Pmrofl at these last two. They will be recycled at next reef fishing trip

[lino6]

Farted on the bus today. The 4 people sitting in front of me spun around. Felt like I was on The Voice.....