For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread

[britts]

We used to send the new apprentices to get lunch, a common order was a, Honey rollover and Lettuce on top,


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[deepop]

4 SALE
              PDFP   ( Per Dug Fire Pit )
Quickly Fax me a Slab of Cold VB cans & THE SIZE REQUIRED SO L CAN GET TO WORK  . Don't try sending empty Cans as l will know , & it wont go well for you .                                       

Storage of PDFP is something to be taken as a matter of great care  .  Should a PDFP be stored on the top of your CT & not properly secured it may fall off  . ln that case it will be difficult to find on the road/track as it will look like a Pot Hole  .
Please send Extra  Cold Slabs of VB for instructions on how to decide which is which  .
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live       

Hey Speewa,

do they come with a dot painting?

[xcvator]

 An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . ... but . . , I've always wanted to!"

There are a few lessons for all of us here: -

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
   get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Black Diamond]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . ... but . . , I've always wanted to!"

There are a few lessons for all of us here: -

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
   get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

Happy ending? You been down to Oriental Plums again old mate? 

[scrapsD40]

Here's one

[scrapsD40]

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

[tracker]

Guy walks in to the Emergency ward at a hospital and presents himself to the Registered Nurse...What seems to be the problem sir ?  ...He replies ...you will only laugh if you see the problem he exclaims...to which the nurse says very confidently....No i will not...as i'm very professional in what i do......So after entering the examination  room she says !....lets have a look at what the problem is....So the guy presents his penis...the nurse looks and burst out laughing.....SEEEEE...said the guy...i told you you would laugh !!!!....After composing herself after looking at the guy's AAA battery sized penis... she then asks.......What seems to be the problem ?...The guy replies quietly.......It's very swollen......With that the Nurse left the room.

[speewa158]

Jeepers  walked into a pub & up the the bar . The barkeep asks him  " What can l get you  "
Jeepers tell him , l want 6 Pots of VB , 6 Triple Rum & coke , but l shouldn't have this what l have got
Barkeep asks " What have you got  "
Jeepers reply's ' $ 2.47c                                                                             

[plusnq]

Jeepers  walked into a pub & up the the bar . The barkeep asks him  " What can l get you  "
Jeepers tell him , l want 6 Pots of VB , 6 Triple Rum & coke , but l shouldn't have this what l have got
Barkeep asks " What have you got  "
Jeepers reply's ' $ 2.47c                                                                             

Clearly identity theft. The VB gave it away 

[oetkb]

The real story why Travis Cloke got a recall to play for Collingwood after a lengthy spell in the 2s.
Bucks calls a team meeting and says to Travis "If you get this maths question right I'll give you a game on Saturday, to which Travis agrees. So bucks goes "Travis what's 7 plus 3? well Trav is working his fingers and breathing hard before he finally say "9"
Bucks shakes his head and is about to say "nope no game" when the entire team realises their pretty desperate for a full forward so they start chanting "give him another go"

Bucks decides to give him another go and asks "What's 2 plus 3? Well Travs puffing pretty hard now and he's using both hands to count on and eventually answers "7". Bucks head drops in disappointment but before he can speak the team start chanting "Give him another go".

Bucks is desperate for a win so he says to Travis, "O.K this one is simple, this is how many goals you need to kick this weekend, what is 3 plus 1" hoping it might help he adds in "That's 1 every quarter" Travis is looking at his team mates hoping for a hint and now the sweat is dripping off his forehead as his brain is working overtime, Finally after no help from his mates he blurts out "4". Before bucks can say a word his team mates all start chanting "give him another go" 

 

[speewa158]

A Bear walks in to a bar .
                       The Barman asks  " What can l get you "
The Bear replies  " l want a                                                                       Beer .
                       The Barman reply's " Why such a long PAWS



                                                                     

[briann532]

I don't agree with smacking children.

So when my kids misbehave, I send them to school in a Justin Bieber t-shirt and let the other kids do it for me...........

[Lobster]

Why don't blind people go sky diving?
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Because it scares the Shit out of the dog.

[Robbo]

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

 

[Hairs]

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Jeepers won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, Mrs Jeepers asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," Mrs Jeepers replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Jeepers ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

"Mornin' Mrs. Jeepers," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Jeepers replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Jeepers Creepers]

 

[Robbo]

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.
The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?" 

[speewa158]

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.
The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?" 

Hopefully  The CFA                                           

[callmejoe]

Hopefully  The CFA                                           

Nar wont be the CFA they have to wait for the MFB  b4 they could do anything so why bother...

[Robbo]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick " 

[monbeg]

While we are on taxation issues...

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given my son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here is the reason.

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the ****ing eunuch who was by now wearing his sister's make-up and dresses.
Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife Shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the ****ing knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got VD from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying my sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to butter a hedgehog's hole backwards with a knitting needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat Shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit,

John Murphy

[Robbo]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him.

So in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An AssHole is usually in charge. 

[scrapsD40]

What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist

[tracker]

What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist

   Ut ohhhhhhh !!!!......getting the popcorn.....

[oldmate]

What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist

Bwahahahaha