For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread

[speewa158]

What's the difference between Red & Green .

Red is the blood  , Green is for Go                                    HitRun 

[scrapsD40]

Went fishing this morning but after a short time had ran out of worms. Then I saw a red belly black snake with a frog in his mouth.
Now frogs are good cod bait and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the bush without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs…!!

[RedProw]

Rectal Deodorant.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never  have. 

Unfazed, the  blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't  have any.' 

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde  .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 

'Yes,'  said  the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... 
   
TO APPLY, PUSH UP  BOTTOM

[speewa158]

                                   Y H 2 B T
                                                   You Had 2 Be There                 

[scrapsD40]

Sky News: A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.
He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails..

[speewa158]

l have always liked cats  & cats that speak Nigerian are just so special to me     

[ScarpsD40]

Just got the internet today and it has turned my life around in 2 hours.
Firstly I won an iPhone for being the 10,000th visitor to a site. Then I won a free Green Card to America. Found out that there are hundreds of horny women that are mad for sex in my area, found out a new way of growing my #### four extra inches, have a sexy Russian teenager on a plane over here and to top it all off I won 3 million in the Jamaican lottery.
Must be beginners luck.

[speewa158]

Your just slow l got all that as l set up  & pushed the go button , l have also been a huge winner of $500 gift vouchers from hundreds of retail out lets . All l have to pay is my identity & life saving   . Not a lot really                     

[duggie]

Trump & Obama
 

  Donald Trump and  Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

 As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The  barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to  politics.

 As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

 Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been  in a whorehouse,'

 The  second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'

Obama replied, 'Go  ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[duggie]

Malcolm Turnbull, Donald Trump,
and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask
what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque..
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Malcolm Turnbull gets his turn and calls Australia for 4 hours. When he's finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call Australia anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Malcolm Turnbull got to call Australia free.
The devil replied, "Since Malcolm Turnbull became Prime Minister of Australia, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Trev-p]

On a international flight the other day the stewardess asked if I would like some headphones.
I replied "Yes of course but how did you know my name was phones?"

[duggie]

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream and shouted . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"

[duggie]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

[speewa158]

A Scottish  Gentleman dropped a penny  & bent down to pick it up ,  just as it hit him on the back of his neck   .                           

[Rodt]

Been awhile since the last entry

Not so much a joke but a pondering question / thought

In winter is it good or bad when you sit on a public toilet and the seat is warm 


Have a good weekend

[duggie]

I was sitting in my stool at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly sheila came up behind me and grabbed me on my arse.
She said, "You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
That cost me 6 stitches but worth every one.

[speewa158]

I was sitting in my stool at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly sheila came up behind me and grabbed me on my arse.
She said, "You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
That cost me 6 stitches but worth every one.

l have had days like that ,,,,,,,,,can you believe it                                  

[Moggy]

Paddy found an old bottle and decided to clean it up. As he was polishing it, a leprechaun appeared & granted Paddy one wish.
Paddy being the good Irishman that he is said "I want every time i take a whiz for it to be the finest Irish whiskey known to man" . The leprechaun granted paddy his wish.
The next day Paddy is at the pub and the lads noticed that he wasn't buying any drinks, but had a whiskey always in front of him, they asked him how?
"Well" said Paddy and proceeded to tell the tale, "BullShit" says Mick, so Paddy takes the lads into the Shitter & pisses into a glass. Mick reluctantly sips the glass only to discover the finest Irish whiskey he has ever tasted, next all the lads are drinking Paddy's piss, all agreeing it is the finest Irish whiskey they had ever tasted.
Paddy heads home late, pissed as a nit, where his wife starts to berate him for being late & pissed. Paddy explains what happened & proceeds to whiz into a glass. His wife, after some prompting from Paddy, reluctantly sips the glass, only to discover he was telling the truth & was drinking the finest Irish whiskey she had ever tasted, to which they continue to drink on throughout the night.
The next day, hungover, Paddy is late to work & is promptly summoned to the bosses office. The boss asks Paddy to explain his tardiness, to which Paddy then regails the story to the boss.
The boss is somewhat sceptical but nonetheless lets Paddy pee into a glass & carefully sips the contents.
The boss is flabbergasted and says to Paddy that this is the finest Irish whiskey he has ever tasted. He then offers Paddy a promotion with 4x times more money & all he has to do provide the boss with 4 bottles of his whiz per day.
Paddy is promoted & given an office with a big water cooler & left to his own devices.
At the end of the day Paddy give the boss his 4 bottles & heads home feeling pretty pleased with himself.
When he gets home, he finds his wife sitting at the table with  two glasses ready to be filled, Paddy looks to his wife and says "Darlin, tonight we're celebrating, I've been promoted at work with 4x times the money, so tonight we only need one glass, cos you'll be drinking straight from the bottle tonight"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

[glenm64]

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately tells him to get out.
The tramp says that he will only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walks into the bar and was also asked to leave by the barman.
This drunk also demands a cocktail stick if he is to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.
This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

[Robbo]

Due to the sad state of my sex life,
I have decided to convert to Islam.
My new name is Seldom Bin Laid...

[Robbo]

Gotta love Art...

[paul.o]

Why couldn't Santa sell Prancer and Dancer on Ebay?



They were too dear.


Merry Christamas. You're Welcome. 

[DandyD]

A Scottish  Gentleman dropped a penny  & bent down to pick it up ,  just as it hit him on the back of his neck   .                           

How was copper wire invented?

Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

[DandyD]

Two Scottish homosexuals; Ben Doone and Phil McCavity.

[Robbo]

Your Job