For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread

[Fizzie]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, Bill gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was little Johnny’s (of course!) turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Auntie Karen. She was a flight engineer during the war and on one mission, her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“First off, Auntie Karen drank the whiskey while on the way down. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of this story?”

Johnny: “Don't stuff around with Auntie Karen when she’s been drinking"

[glenm64]

 

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[glenm64]

Why kids love dogs

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[Bird]

Why kids love dogs

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[Fizzie]

& you can put the blame on the dog, explain that you were just trying to stop it doing whatever, & he can't argue back!

[Fizzie]

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[Hairs]

Pinched this from online somewhere.

A reporter asked Alfie Lager recently  if the 90’s Broncos team could beat the current Storm or Panthers teams. He said “Yes.”The reporter then asked “By how many points?” Alfie replied “2 to 4”. The reporter asked “Why so few points?” Alfie replied “Well, most of us are almost 60”. Classic!

[Fizzie]

Have you heard that they've combined laxative & alphabet soup?

It's called Letter Rip!

[bmwfreak]

Pinched from FB post. First sensible thing I’ve ever seen there

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
Half!'
The nun fainted !

[Bird]

Dubai are using drones to produce artificial rainfall. To make the big machines circling the city, seem a bit more friendly, they have a playlist of songs blasting from the built in speakers.

First song “Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed”….

[DandyD]

Midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a horse

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound a bit?"

[Rodt]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.


When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers." The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet." The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager..

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.


"Well, he said with a shrug, if you nancies aren't drinking beer, than neither am I."

[filcar]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[Bird]

The rabbi of a Texas synagogue who was taken hostage on Saturday has described how he threw a chair at the gunman in order to allow him and other hostages to escape.
Senior members of the synagogue praised the rabbi's actions before presenting him with a bill for the broken chair.

Elton John was holidaying in Tonga when the tsunani hit and he got swept out to sea.
Rescuers managed to find him in the ocean, clinging to a buoy.


Next English cricket captain: Novak Djokovic.
Shit with the bat.
Still took Australia two weeks to get him out.

[DandyD]

If anyone likes to read Osteopaths weekly magazine..

I do have back issues

[NZMarkb]

This is starting to turn into the "Dad's" joke page

[DandyD]

This is starting to turn into the "Dad's" joke page

Well, you know what to do.

Come up with some better ones!

[DandyD]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.