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Author Topic: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread  (Read 69727 times)

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Offline edz

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #175 on: November 29, 2020, 11:00:47 AM »
Fixed it for you Glenno .... WELL YOU DID SAY IT WAS A FAIRYTALE  ;D ;D
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #176 on: November 29, 2020, 06:20:22 PM »
Ok, one from the other point of view.

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Offline Fizzie

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #177 on: December 03, 2020, 03:00:21 PM »
Spotted on another forum:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where else can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #178 on: December 05, 2020, 07:06:24 PM »
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He replied "I can't complain" . . .
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #179 on: December 05, 2020, 07:07:10 PM »
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #180 on: December 15, 2020, 11:31:11 AM »
:)

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #181 on: December 19, 2020, 12:03:20 PM »
The wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said I didnt even know he played cricket.
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #182 on: December 19, 2020, 12:11:09 PM »
Paddy walks into his local pub and sees his mate Finn sitting in a corner, alone and deep in thought. Paddy asks "what are you thinking about there Finn"
Finn says to Paddy " Im trying to figure out why I've only got 3 brothers when my sister has 4"
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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #183 on: December 19, 2020, 01:38:20 PM »
:)
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Offline OldPaj

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #184 on: December 19, 2020, 07:05:37 PM »
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Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #185 on: December 22, 2020, 11:08:02 AM »
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
 She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.                                           
 "What are you doing?!" she asked.
 "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."
 "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained
 "Love dress? But you're naked!”
 "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
  He can't get enough of me”
 The mother-in-law left.
 When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
 came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively
 "What are you doing?" he asked.
 "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
 "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
 He never heard the gunshot.
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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #186 on: December 24, 2020, 05:40:08 PM »
:)
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Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #187 on: January 19, 2021, 08:44:50 AM »
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,  and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
 The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are.
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #188 on: February 03, 2021, 11:14:32 AM »
 

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #189 on: February 03, 2021, 11:34:23 AM »
 

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #190 on: February 03, 2021, 11:35:11 AM »
 

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Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #191 on: February 03, 2021, 12:28:38 PM »
Quote from: glenm64 on February 03, 2021, 11:35:11 AM


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Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #192 on: February 03, 2021, 03:58:15 PM »
Just been to see a pantomime, but it was ruined by political correctness

Snow Green and the Seven Persons of Restricted Growth
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Offline Fizzie

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #193 on: February 03, 2021, 04:25:12 PM »
Quote from: Bird on February 03, 2021, 03:58:15 PM
Snow Green

No, sorry, Birdie - not acceptable!!!

Snow is very discriminatory against those people that live in warmer areas, & as you've already pointed out, it's also White!; & suggesting that something is Green is very offensive to those still in drought.

"Indeterminate coloured unidentified stuff falling from the sky" may be passable, but the full Board will have to meet, discuss it & make a decision. We should be able to get back to you no later than mid-2022 >:D

 :'(
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Offline briann532

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #194 on: February 03, 2021, 05:33:01 PM »
Quote from: Fizzie on February 03, 2021, 04:25:12 PM
No, sorry, Birdie - not acceptable!!!

Snow is very discriminatory against those people that live in warmer areas, & as you've already pointed out, it's also White!; & suggesting that something is Green is very offensive to those still in drought.

"Indeterminate coloured unidentified stuff falling from the sky" may be passable, but the full Board will have to meet, discuss it & make a decision. We should be able to get back to you no later than mid-2022 >:D

 :'(

 ;D ;D ;D PMSL...
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #195 on: February 03, 2021, 06:35:07 PM »
 

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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #196 on: February 07, 2021, 04:16:39 PM »
Ehehe
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Offline xcvator

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #197 on: February 08, 2021, 08:17:15 AM »
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the Shower and slipped on the Bathroom floor tiles.Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce..! Bruce..!" Bruce came running in."Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said."S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck real fast, girl"...!I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."They came back and they both tried to pull her up."No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "So let's try Plan B"..??"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "S'truth, what's that".. ??? "I'll go home and get my Hammer and Chisel and we'll break the Floor Tiles under her," replied Cobber."Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and Play with her Nipples.""Play with her Nipples"..???Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"...!"No," Bruce replied,"But I reckon if I can get her Wet enough, we can slide her into the Kitchen where the Tiles are less expensive".  🙂
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Offline doc evil

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #198 on: February 18, 2021, 09:08:29 PM »
 So I was at Aldi earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is an ALD? I told her it stood for Arse Licking Dog. She said Arse Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it. 😂😂😂
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Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #199 on: February 19, 2021, 07:46:52 AM »
Quote from: doc evil on February 18, 2021, 09:08:29 PM
So I was at Aldi earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is an ALD? I told her it stood for Arse Licking Dog. She said Arse Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it. 😂😂😂
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