For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread

[Hairs]

So I was at Aldi earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is an ALD? I told her it stood for Arse Licking Dog. She said Arse Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

Cheers mate.

[filcar]

An elderly person sitting in the waiting room of the doctors, his turn arrives and he enter the doctors room. Now says the doctor what is the problem? Well doc I can’t stop farting in fact I have dropped 20 in the waiting room, but don’t worry they are silent and they don’t smell. Well says the doc I’ll write a script and you take these pills for 7 days then return and see me. Well after 3 days the farts were really bad and on the nose, upon returning to the doc, he told him the problem, well said the doctor we have fixed the sinuses now we need to work on the hearing

[glenm64]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

[bmwfreak]

 

[Robbo]

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[Bird]

The pilot of the cargo ship stranded in the Suez canal has eventually relented and phoned her husband to come and back it out for her.

[glenm64]

 

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[glenm64]

 

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[filcar]

 

[Bird]

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GOLD!

[glenm64]

 

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[filcar]

 

[filcar]

Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is co lour coded."
The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best!   Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’

[Hairs]

[glenm64]

 

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[Bird]

The Brown Noser

They stick their noses so far up management's ass
That they become the laughing stock to the working-class,
Their noses are always seen covered with fetus and brown
And to management they are known as suck-ups and a clown;
But, to the working man they are known only as a poser
But, to everyone else they are greeted as the brown noser.

They had probably started out life as a teacher's pet
When their classmates wouldn't give them any attention or respect,
So, they became the sycophant, also known as fawning parasites
They are servile flatterers with quick advancement appetites;
For their sole advancement they are always self-seeking
And sometimes if you listen closely, you can even hear them squeaking.

They will laugh at their bosses stories which are not at all funny
And to look at them closely, you will begin to see their noses runny,
They will always agree and support with what their bosses say
And if they could they would only work for compliments, instead of pay;
From their bosses they will always seek their acknowledgement and approval
As long as their noses are shoved up their bosses asses without a removal .

They always seek favors from their bosses in an obsequious manner
As  though ass-kissing is their scheme and they are the pleased planner,
They practice to curry favors by the excessive use of compliments or praise
And they don't care who knows of their ultimate bootlicking displays;
Those kiss-ups and ass kissers and adulators are easy to expose
As they are the lackeys and grovelers with the brown nose.

[glenm64]

 

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[plusnq]

Perfect 

[Moggy]

 

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[Bird]

I saw on my hometown's Facebook page:
'Missing from the town centre area: our 3-year-old cat Tiddles (pictured). He is recently neutered, wears a collar with a bell to alert birds, and is on a vegan diet.'

I replied, 'And you're surprised he ****ed off?'

[glenm64]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my university reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after, we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And just then the fight started...

[Hairs]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my university reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after, we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And just then the fight started...

When are you expected to be out of hospital?

[glenm64]

Wife: I have a bag of old clothes I want to donate to charity
Husband: Why not just throw them out, it's much easier
Wife: But there are lots of poor people starving who could use them.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits your clothing isnt starving.

and then the fight started


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[glenm64]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
I was pondering an age-old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

[filcar]

It was 1964 and Paddy was sitting in his local pub in Kerry when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey!" She said. "You received a very strange  post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later." He said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:                   
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'