MySwag.org The Off-road Camper Trailer Forum
General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Barrabart on April 05, 2011, 08:12:34 AM
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Everyone has a favourite, or maybe has heard others that are just dead set classics……. Often they are used in a most spectacular fashion at precisely the right moment
I’ll kick it off with a few I like to use and a few I’ve heard, I’ll probably think of more over the next few days………
Describing those that aren’t so clever,
“Mate, you make two thick planks look like a computer”
“You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball”
“Mate you must have two d*cks, cos you couldn’t get that silly tuggin’ on one”
For when you’re feelin’ crook.
“I feel like I've been eaten by a dingo, and crapped over a cliff.”
On a more serious note
The race is long,
Sometimes you’re ahead,
Sometimes you’re behind,
But in the end you realise, the race is only with yourself.
“Life is a hard teacher: It gives the test first and the lesson after."
“Life should not be measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath”
“Good things happen over time, great things happen all at once”
There’s a few to kick it off, looking forward to your replies………
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I heard some elderly surfers on the ABC, say, 'I would rather be taken by a shark than a nursing home'
Cheers Mike
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"All ice is thin, cross only when neccesary" - Buck Tilton
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Feel'n crook. = I think I've been baited.
Someone come's a cropper or stuffs up. = Didn't you see that was a di@chead trap.
And for the answer you didn't want to hear. = If i wanted to hear from an ars#hole i'd fart.
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Do, or do not, there is no try..
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When people say "if only this or that happened"
The best response is
"IF YOUR AUNTIE HAD BALLS SHE'D BE YOUR UNCLE"
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On crappy drivers-
"You couldnt drive a stick up a dog's behind with a frying pan."
On a busy life-
"I'm busier than a one legged bloke in an arse kicking competition"
On not so attractive people-
"Got a head like a beaten egg"
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One of my favourite quotes is by Theodore Roosevelt, however I first heard it in the movie 'The worlds fastest Indian'.
To me it is so fitting on many occasions in life. How many times have you been getting in and having ago at something or trying your hardest when there are always Eddie experts who seem to know better or people who want to criticise you for trying to do what your doing?
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
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On quality of workmanship
"good enough for the girls you date"
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If you have no expectations you're never disappointed
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On planning - "Measure twice, cut once"
On effort - "The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, or knowledge, but rather in a lack of will"
On people - "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe"
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"Sanity is over-rated" ;D
One of my favourites is Churchill. Biting wit & sarcasm combined with inspiration.
Here are a few..
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.”
" We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
" The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
“ Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.”
" All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope"
" However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."
" There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result"
" I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. "
" I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
" I started on a camel, and I will finish on a camel"
And of course one that we should never forget....
"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. "
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Hi,
"Ah nostalgia, it just ain't what it used to be."
cheers
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When some guy really piss's you off ........." your mother should have swallowed you " !
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"toughen up princess"
" take a spoonfull of cement powder and toughen the f*%# up"
But my own favorite when thing are going pear shape in life is, " OUT OF BAD THERE IS GOOD" . No matter how bad things seem , if you look or in time good will come from it.
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If you want to run with the big dogs, you carn't piss like a puppy!!
I'm not drunk, i can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Your good enough to be an Aussie.
Sh$t doesn't happen. Ar#ehole's make it.
Any thing for free is good , as long as it's not sexually transmitted
And one from my old boss. The bank's will go broke, before me.
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An old motto on "issues at work"
If your not part of the solution, then your part of the problem!
also on the point of "service"
The only difference between ordinary service and Extra ordinary service is just that little bit EXTRA :)
cheers
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1) Speed doesn't kill, it's the sudden stop at the end
2) Power is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how far you take the wall with you
3) In the world of order, chaos rules
4) Clarkson," under-steers like a shopping trolley full of logs"
5) If at first you don't succeed give up let someone else do it.
6) If at first you don't succeed, you need a bigger hammer.
6) God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time
7) I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
8) one of Churchills best -I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter
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One i use regularly on my workers.
You couldnt pick up a root in a brothel........ O0
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I use a slight variation:
You couldn't organise a root in a brothel
I also use:
You wouldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat
You wouldn't hit sand if you fell off a camel
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As per my sig
Kill them all, let god sort it out....
And for those who like management seminars and get told "There's no I in team" you can reply " No, but theres a U in fu*ckwit"
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As per my sig
Kill them all, let god sort it out....
And for those who like management seminars and get told "There's no I in team" you can reply " No, but theres a U in fu*ckwit"
:cheers: Thats a good comeback, ill have to use that one ;D
As per my sig
If it has tits or wheels it will give you trouble.......... :cheers:
Not a truer word has been spoken 8)
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I was born with nothing, and I still have most of it !!!
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Better to be looking at it than looking for it.
Head like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
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I use a slight variation:
You couldn't organise a root in a brothel
Heard similar but the end has, with a pocket full of 50's.......
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Has a head like a smashed crab.....
When a bloke saw me and asked me why I was ignoring his calls I responded with "I have a very low d*ckhead tolerance level and the quota had already been met at smoko". All I got from him was silence ;D
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My sign at work on the coffee machine reads "I can only please one person a day and today is Not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
Another fave at the moment is from a movie...
"I don't subscribe to coincidence. I believe that no matter how random things might appear, there still is a plan."
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I had a sneeking suspicion this topic would take off..... :cheers: :laugh:
I've thought of couple more,
here's a couple for someone with bad teeth.........
"you've got a smile like a row of condemned sh*t houses"
or
"you've got a smile like a smashed stubby"
someone with not so good looks,
"you've got a face like a dropped pie"
or
"i've seen better heads in a p*ss trough".
oh, here's one to describe how fair / white someones skin is.....
"Geeez, your skin would burn watching the fire works"
for those with fat faces, double chins etc.....
"you'd need a bookmark to find your own collar"
or
"more chins than a Chinese phone book"
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If you wake up and your still breathing, it's a good day.
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A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
A head like a robber's dog
;D
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I would rather die like a Lion , than live like a mouse.
But my all time favourite. You don't win a war by dying for your country, you win it by making the other dumb bastard die for his. (Gen George Patton)
Regards
Crusader
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if brains were sugar you'd be a lemon.
Driveway dosnt make the road.
im gunna slap the taste outta your mouth.
50 cent short of a dollar
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When people ask " What do you know?"
I reply "Everything, ask me something!"
Normally met with either stunned silence, or "umm arr ................ can't think of anything"
Another favourite " I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!"
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"All hunched up like a greyhound trying to r**t a cricket ball"..................... Kenny.
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THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN HARD AND RETARD!
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Some I use /hear in the motor trade
...fixing that is like trying to make strawberry jam from dog Shit....
.... can't polish a turd....
......if brains were made of Shit you wouldn't even stink....
...... he's as dodgy as a $3 coin...
A good one after a BIG night on the grog & you don't feel like talking & someone asks "What were you on? just tell 'em "your sister".....
I'll ava nuva can & think of some more. :cheers:
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"Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk." Jerome Howard.
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One that comes to mind, when your looking for something and it is right in front of you.
If it was a black snake, it would have bitten me.
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"It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."
Peter Garrett.
Oh the irony.
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
If you were a battery you would have two negative terminals
Accept that some days you are a pigeon and some days you are statue.
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
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land rights for gay whales :cup:
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Philosophies:
It's all about the journey ...
De Camino A La Verada ... (do not stray from the path)
Be True to Oneself ...
Sayings:
Baffle them with bullShit ... (my dad loved that one)
I love it like a hole in the head ...
Not happy Jan ...
Quotes:
She can't cook, she can't clean, she can't drive, she's not much to look at ... but I married your mother anyway ... My Dad
The more people I meet ... The more I like my dog ... Fridge Magnet
Kit_e
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The politicall correct version of couldn't organise a root....
Couldn't organise a sand castle in the Sahara
An elephant is a mouse built to governments specs...
About as funny as a fart in a lift
As usefull as a hip pocket on a singlet / tits on a bull / clothes line in a nudist colony
2 beers short of a shout
and for those you think should be shot be subtle and suggest red dot therapy instead (red dot from laser gun sight)
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;D
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A mate of mine always says when he is building something
"rough enough is good enough its not a boat" and
"when God was handing out brains he thought he said trains and asked for a slow one"
Greenant
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A saying I use for older ladies who spend too much time at the tanning salon - you could make a nice leather jacket out of her face
A saying I use for ladies who have pronounced teeth - she could eat an apple through a picket fence
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Why don't I agree with you so we can both be wrong!
And
It may be the sole purpose of my life to make yours miserable.
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My 4wding motto.
Believe none of what you hear, 1/2 of what you see & all that can be proven.
also
Wether you think you can or think you can't, you are probably right [Henry Ford? I think]
Hem
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Many quotes from Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, but this one in particular,
If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgement about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgement now. But if anything in thy own disposition gives thee pain, who hinders thee from correcting thy opinion?
(part of a longer quote/meditation)
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Even if you win the rat race..................... you're still a rat!
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As per my moniker, "I wonder what the poor people are doing!"... and, of busy times; "busier than an ant at a butchers' picnic."
Cheers
S.O.
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"when God was handing out brains he thought he said trains and asked for a slow one"
Greenant
And when he said "Chins" I thought he said "Gins"..........................
So I ordered a double !!
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Busy..."Flat out like a $hitcarters hat".
Surprise, dejection and directions to distant man made watercourse..."Far Canal".
The current hairstyle trend for teenage boys..."Head like a half sucked mango".
the motto I like to think I'll fulfil..."Live hard and die young in a nice pair of shorts". It was printed on the back pocket of a pair of Mambo Board shorts I bought about 20 years ago.
:cheers:
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I have two philosophy's I try to abide by:-
- If you have no control over it, then dont worry about it.
- Not planning ahead (except trips and fishing and good stuff). Because failures comes as a complete surprise and is not preceeded by periods of worry!
And a few favourite sayings to go on with, apologies if they have already appeared.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
The trouble with doing nothing is you never know when your finished
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, steak in one hand, beer in the other, body used up and worn out, screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Danger is nature’s way of eliminating stupid people.
Greenies are like fertilizer they are OK, if spread very thinly over the ground
Borrow money from a Pessimist-They DON'T expect it back!
If Nissan made a prop plane using the ZD30 - would you fly in it?
How did that one get in there?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
And the cardiologist' s diet:- If it tastes good spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Every where I go I bring pleasure. Sometimes it's when I arrive... but usually its when I leave!
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"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Those are my principles and if you don't like them......Well, I have others."
Groucho Marx
Basically everything the guy ever said cracks me up!
Cam
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He's not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of his ears.
AND ONE FOR THE LADIES:
It's not the magic in the Magician's wand; it is the MAGIC IN THE MAGICIAN.
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My favourite is....if brains were ink you wouldnt have enough for a full stop!!!
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:-*
" It's nice to be important, however it's more important to be nice "
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A few more
- no sh!t sherlock
- thanks captain obvious
- does a bear sh!t in the forest?
- flat out like a lizard drinking
- more chins than a Chinese phone book
- couple of cans short of a slab
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Even a broken watch tells the right time twice a day.
Your chins hit more balls than allan borders cricket bat.
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I don't know if these apply, but my boss is of Italian origin, and tends to mix his metaphors.
Here's some of them.
*The bank is a bit spectacle about the deal (sceptical)
*The bank is between two hard baskets
*She had an autopsy on her neck
*It doesn’t take an iron lung to work that out
*He’s in a catch 69 (99 42 88 etc)
*I went through it like a fine tooth pick (fine tooth-comb)
*He was as happy as a pig in Larry
*He’s done really well, he’s feathered his own wing
*I don’t know if I’m looking up the wrong bark tree
*He had a gash on his head bleeding like a stuffed duck
*He’s really changed, he’s had a complete 99 degree turnaround
*Don’t have all your baskets in one bank
*It’s not the best block of land, it’s in the back of a Cadillac (cul-de-sac)
*It got my back up, like a furry dog on fire.
*I asked him, where do you expect me to get the money, go out and pluck a cow?
*He had a talk with the euthanasiast (Anaesthesiologist)
*I’ve got a sore leg, I’ve got a spleen on my foot (spur)
*The brick wall had infections and we had to render it (defects)
* My mums got a bad back and hostis perostis (osteo perosis)
* He keeps changing his mind like Hackle and Hyde
*The expert talked to Steve, and he put the feathers up him.
* I’ll go over it with a good tooth brush (fine tooth-comb)
* He got off his high horse and got on his high heels.
* He calls a spade a spade, and an ace an ace.
I can't put crap on him, he speaks English better than I speak Italian, but when you're in a meeting with someone, it's bloody hard not to laugh.
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a negative thought is a down payment on an obligation to fail <-- dad had this on the back of the dunny door - i will too when i have kids
seen better heads pointed at pisstroughs
id rather nail me nuts to a burning building
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I find it interesting that the majority of these sayings are aimed at making derogatory comments about someone's visual or mental attributes. Is that because we can only feel good by making someone else feel bad?
My favourite philosophical saying:
"As I was sitting on a chair I knew the bottom wasn't there, nor legs, nor back, but I just sat ignoring little things like that"
Or in other words, don't let little dificulties get in the way of what you want to do.
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My philosophy
"Never become good at something you don't like"
And my favourite Quotes from the master.
There is an art, or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Douglas Adams
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Were you born stupid or is it an acquired talent?
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This is another i go by.
I never practice anything, Your either naturally good at it or you shouldnt be doing it...
Thats served me well.
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to stupid to own a computer
make like a tree and get out of here.. Monty Python I think
There's two sides to every story and then there's the truth
jack of all trades, master of none
and my fav, whenever I'm fixing/making something...
a blind man would be glad to see it
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An old plumber I used to know always said, "a thing of beauty is a pleasure forever". He lived by that and it showed in his work!
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I like to believe in Karma and the saying "What goes around, comes around!"
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Im RETIRED........
I was tired yesterday and i am tired today ;D
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there a three kinds of people in this world those that can count, an those that cannot . and i would like to thank God for making me a athiest . cheers Graham
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To idiots, : There are two kinds if people in the world, Wankers and Liars, which one are you ? :D
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As useless as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Bumper sticker.....It took an amateur to build the Ark, it took engineers to build the Titanic.
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Couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery.
Don't cross the river before you get to the bridge.
Assumption is the mother of all fu@kups.
Couldn't pull the skin of a rice custard.
Pulls harder than a teenage boy.
Life is just one big educational excursion.
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I was asked to write a reference for an employee, in it I said "he works well under constant supervision"...... :laugh:
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Never argue with an idiot!
They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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About life
This is not a rehersal!!!
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Such is life
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Don't make excuses.
make it happen!
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there are no stupid questions, only stupid people
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More stupid people dont ask questions , they think they know , but dont ;D
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The seven P's
Prior
Preparation &
Planning
Prevents
Piss
Poor
Performance
:cheers:
Carl
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. - Mae West ;D
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There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
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A rolling stone gathers no crumbling cookies. :laugh: :cheers:
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Assumption is the mother of all fu@kups.
;D ;D ;D how true is that :cheers:
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Assumption is the mother of all fu@kups.
A similar one
Assume makes an ass out of u and me
and another one
I don't mean to be a nuisance....I'm just good at it !!
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Perception is only half of reality...... ;D
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"Sometimes you're the windscreen....sometimes you're the bug.." :D
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Half the population has below average intelligence.
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world -
those that observe that people have one brain but two ears so should listen more and think less, and
those that observe that people have one mouth and two legs so should shut up and f#*k off!!
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Aaaaaaaaaaah Confucious say :
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
He who let woman on top is f***ing up.
Chinese couple who have white baby, name it " Sum Ting Wong"
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
Man who walk in airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
;D
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If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck?
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i'm always in the sh1t, only the depth varies
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Hard to soar like and eagle when surrounded by turkeys, gobble, gobble..... ;D
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More Confuscious,
Man who run in run of bus get tired, but man who run behind bus get exhausted. ;D
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My father, of incompetence, particularly drivers.
Couldn't drive a red hot needle into butter
Paul Keating, of John Hewson.
A shiver looking for a spine to crawl up.
And of John Howard.
Desiccated coconut, and, when they circumcised him, they threw away the wrong bit
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When commenting on the Blues playing the Maroons - (go the mighty Maroons) :cheers:
also best yelled out with a few mates in the know ---
The crowd roared - " ROAR"
The crowd cheered- "CHEER"
The crowd gave a sigh of disappointment - "OH $HIT"
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Benjamin Disraeli had a few brilliant ones, one being "Reason's weakness is its belief that it has the capacity to convince unreason".
When people are whinging unreasonably at you "I'm sorry, you are confusing me with someone that actually gives a damn!"
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“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.”
Charles Manson
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If brains were electricity you would be a walking blackout!!
Hiding when the brains were handed out were we?
Not enough brain cells to synapse.
(gee these are negative)
Go climb a tree you semi-evolved simian. Zaphod Beeblebrox
Its life Jim but not as we know it. Spock
I'm Spartacus!!
Hasta lavista Baby!! Sylvester Stallone
I'll be back. Arnie
The difference between you and me is that I make this look good. Will Smith MIB
OK how many of you jumped straight onto the reply button when you saw Stallone and hasta lavista ha ha ha ;D
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What we've got here , is a failure to communicate . Which is the way he wants it. So he gets it.
Some men you just can't reach.
Movie
Cool Hand Luke.
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cool hand luke rules
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YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!!
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If we are including movie quotes then...
We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an a*shole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get f*cked by dicks. But dicks also f*ck a*sholes: assholes that just want to sh*t on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with a*sholes their way. But the only thing that can f*ck an a*shole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they f*ck too much or f*ck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of sh*t that they become a*sholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from a*s holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us f*ck this a*shole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in sh*t!
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Wow I think I will pass on that movie! BTW what was it?
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...courtesy of the late dragon-in-law:
"Well cut my legs off and call me shorty!"
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GRREEN is nice
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
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Wow I think I will pass on that movie! BTW what was it?
Its from the extremely poignant movie Team America
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GRREEN is nice
Running on empty??
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Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that **** for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded **** to say to a mother****er before I popped a cap in his ass. I saw some **** this mornin' made me think twice. See now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that **** ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.
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Jack I thought that had been done ??? :cheers:
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Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that **** for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded **** to say to a mother****er before I popped a cap in his ass. I saw some **** this mornin' made me think twice. See now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that **** ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.
Check out the big brain on Brad..
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Bit of good Aussie car culture.
Those bloody Gazard boys.
Another tho not Aus is, Vanishing point.
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When a man turns 60, there are 3 golden rules:
1. Never trust a fart
2. If you have the oportunity to urinate, do it
3. If you get an erection, use it
...Billy Connolley
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a standing cock hasn't got a conscience
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:cheers:
Jack I thought that had been done ??? :cheers:
who is speewa ? :cheers:
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Check out the big brain on Brad..
Hamburgers, the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.
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;D Plenty of good one's from the 'Castle'
How's the serenity.
Tell him he's dreaming.
. :cheers:
BD
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Jack who is Arrrr ... Ummm what was the ,,,, Hellow nice to see you again ,,,, have I ???
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Jack who is Arrrr ... Ummm what was the ,,,, Hellow nice to see you again ,,,, have I ???
we better meet up and decide if we have met each other before :cheers:
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97% of fords ever made are still on the road... the rest made it home
Always put off to tomorrow what you can avoid doing today (a reverse of what my old man used to tell me and it drove him crazy)
Was that a cat or a speed bump? Is there a difference?
Cat - The other white meat!
I don't have tourettes, your just a %@$!
Get a taste of religion, lick a witch
The bible was written by the same people who said the world was flat.
Fertilise the bush, doze in a greenie
The only true wilderness is between a greenies ears
Life is sexually transmitted
And to finish, something I saw on a little kids shirt one day.... All daddy wanted was a blow job!
:cheers:
Dave
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as popular as a turd in a tucker box
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I hate small cars, they clog up my treads
I'll never be useless, i can always serve as a 'bad example'
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I don't mind coming to work but the 8 hour wait to go home is just bullsh!t
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Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'd rather shove wasps up me arse!
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Hi
On a kid's shirt...."All Mommy wanted was a back rub"
cheers
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;D Plenty of good one's from the 'Castle'
How's the serenity.
Tell him he's dreaming.
. :cheers:
BD
Loved that movie. Think it's my all time favourite.
What are these darling? They are delicious! ... Rissoles. ;D
Kit_e
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Shit happens!!
As flat as a Shitcarters hat!
vanished a fast as a fart in a fan factory.
Me best china plate
The financial manager ( we all have one don't we?) ;D
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**** happens!!
As flat as a ****carters hat!
vanished a fast as a fart in a fan factory.
Me best china plate
The financial manager ( we all have one don't we?) ;D
Do you mean the 'Minister for War and Finance'?
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Do you mean the 'Minister for War and Finance'?
Yep they are called that too? i keep reminding mine that she has great taste :cup:
Usual response "Keep Dreamin"
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There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them - push and pull
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You're entitled to your own opinion...It's wrong, but you're to it. (This one is all in the delivery :laugh:)
If I wanted your opinion I would...
1/ Beat it out of you.
2/ give it to you.
3/ ask someone else
4/ only be after what not to do.
Gee we are a negative bunch eh? We must work with some very challenging people.
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' Women - can't live with 'em --------- can't live with 'em'
Come on guys, ya know it's true --- ducking for cover NOW!!!!!!
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Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em
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Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em
beat me and others to it ;D Having said that I don't have any such issue with my wife!! She is a treasure (and no that doesn't mean I want to bury her...you guys have bad minds!!)
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A couple here..
If they did'nt have ...... you would throw rocks at them.(Secret Men's Business)
If I want your opinion, I will give it to you. From a great movie.
What goes around, comes around. I can vouch for this expression as I have seen this in life, many times...
Hope your flees turn into emues and kick your dunny down.
Fk this, I'm outta here!, used that a few times, I must say.
Nothin like the smell of napalm early in the morning. Applies to many things, from a great movie.
Give a man a break for fk sake.
So, have I got a sign saying fkwit stapled to my forehead, sucker? From a great movie.
Grinnin up like a fat spider.
I'm Busier, than a one armed brickie in Afghanistan.
Don't, play with the bloody thing! Give it ****e!
Bend over and kiss your arse goodbye ?
Needs a good Rodgering with a pineapple?
Someone needs to fk some sense into ..... (Secret Mens Business again)
Go and take a flying fk at a pineapple.
So, who gives a Fk?
Yeh, and pigs fly ?
Stick the boot into it!, An old driving term...used many times in my youth.
Hang on boys, were going down!, used that a few times when youthfully driving ,I must say.
Useless, as tits on a bull.
Politicians, who gave them the right to speak Shite...
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Hope your flees turn into emues and kick your dunny down? I believe it was chooks as in http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-hope-your-chooks-turn-into-emus-lyrics-famed-aussie-poem/
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A mates father has some rippers, some can't be posted >:D, but some he uses are
... as tight as a fishes ar$e.. both in reference to $$ & to a close fit
....like a carrot up a cats ar$e.. a very tight fit
.... as dry as a witches tit... needing beer / rain / some type of lube
..... as much use as a tin d!ck on a wooden horse...
..... she has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.. a not real pretty lady
And one I always get a chuckle out of when he refers to " the ways of the youngens these days", ie, jumping on anything with a pulse
.... It's a dirty duck that paddles in the one pond, but it's a dirtier pond that the ducks all come to paddle in...you work it out ;D.
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Here are a few i have used over the years
"As much use as a condom machine in the vatican"
"He/she could open beer bottles with her overbite" (On people with big teeth)
"I hate feeling like a spare dick at a wedding"
"If arseh0les could fly this place would be an Airport"
"As usefull as a solar powered torch"
Graham
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as per my sig you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter ;D ever the optimist
got a good head for radio/ got a voice for mime
stress, the confusion between the mind and the body,when the mind overrides the bodies basic desire, to choke the living sh!t out of someone!!!
feed it to it! re slow drivers
where did you get your licence? from a weeties packet?
FIGJAM
I've got a response to every thing, I don't guarantee, it'll be accurate, or even remotely related to the subject though
if brains were feet, you'd have no legs
that's a good question, ask me another?
just some of the dribble that runs from my mouth from time to time and there's a (shirt load) more just got a (mental blank), there's another 2 just there
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There are two things I hate - racism and the French
or
There are two things I hate - male chauvanist pigs and women who won't do what they are told
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My old favourite... I'm not racist, I hate everybody equally :)
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DILLIGAF
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Fighting for freedom is like phucking for virginity
Jeff
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A common one at our work when pondering the latest short-sighted, illogical and poorly thought out decision by higher management...
"I'm sure smarter people than us have thought this through..."
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some people drink from a glass, i drink from a fountain :cheers:
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You picked that like a runny nose! :-[
Is the Pope a Catholic? :angel:
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harder to pick than a broken nose ie do I get the sticker OR the cooler?
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Flash as a black rat with a gold tooth. (I know the rat one was put in before but it is actually black. Nothing flash about a normal rat with a gold tooth!!)
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piss'n against the wind
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My absolute favourite saying is ---- Do you want a beer mate! :cup: Nothing beats it!!!!!!! :cheers:
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I have this on a picture hanging over my spare bed.
NEVER GET SO BUSY MAKING A LIVING THAT YOU FORGET TO HAVE A LIFE
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Better to be a has been than a never was.
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Beer is better than sex . Well you can have a beer in front of your mother in law >:D >:D :cheers:
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Those that can:do, Those that can't:teach, and those that can't teach:teach teacher's.
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when it comes to the mechanical side of things eg nuts an bolts righty tighty, lefty loosey cheers Graham
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Why do you ask two dogs ?
Jeff
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Why do you ask two dogs ?
hahahahahahahaha niccccccce
Jeff
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We have a couple for work
SNAFU... Situation Normal All Fkd Up.
SWAT Team .... Shite, Water and Trouble Shooters
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oh ay bro, do you happen to have a bucket or a hose?
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Experience is what you get when you don't get what you expect.
For the engineering minded, "Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined".
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. (Oscar Wilde)
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There are 2 ways to do something, the right way and again.
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Courtesy of Mr Walker in another thread-
It is also the holy grail of electrical cabling. It is mandatory that anyone claiming to be an electrical expert mentions 6 B&S in a post. All cables in your vehicle must also be 6B&S, even things like interior light. All solar applications must use 6B&S.
There are several international standards as well as a mandate from the united nations covering the wiring of camper trailers and the fitment of 12v accessories to a vehicle that mention specifically the compulsory use of 6 B&S cable
I hope that helps
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About as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
About as useful as tits on a bull.
About as useful as a hip pocket on a t-shirt.
Near enough is not good enough, but good enough is near enough.
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On getting the job done quickly and properly .....
"Im not here to f*ck horses" ....... or if the kids are around "Im not here to fornicate with equine"
On not really caring
"I dont give a large rodents rectum (rats ass)"
On feeling well (courtesy of my mates 90 yo gma)
"How are you nan?"
"I'm still buying green bananas! "
Cheers Chippy :D
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This is one of my favourites
you should pull up your pants and let your mouth have a go!!!!!!!!!
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On being angry with someone..
I hope you have a , sh$t and fall backwards in it...
dno.
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Is a bear a catholic
Does the pope $hit in the woods
Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back
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100% of non smokers die
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Hurting you is the last thing i want to do!!
But it's still on the list! >:D
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Gonewalkabouts favourite one liner:
Let's shake the tree and see what falls out
I guess everyone has a hobby ( used for pathetic habits)
Who the @$¥€ gave him a license to breath
I like to refer to those of not reaching the minimum standards in society as a "half blow" ( missing a few chromosomes at the conception stage of their life)
Gonewalkabouts ( ejumacated by Warrick Capper)
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Not sure if they've been posted already but I do like:
Ned Kelly - Such Is Life
Martin Luther King Jnr - "And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
On some idiot trying to do something: He couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag with a set of instructions.
When going to the toilet for number 2s: I'm off to see Edgar Britt
or: I'm off to drop the kids off at the pool
About feeling good: Weather Fine/Track Good
About being hung-over: Half pace today
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Does a one legged duck swim around in circles?
Just goes to show you dont need a long neck to be a goose....
To a mate who is piking out of something -> Would you like to borrow that spare set of balls I have out the back?
To a mate who is whining and moaning -> You must piss sitting down...
He who speaks does not know...he who knows does not speak.
You see only with your eyes so you are easy to fool.
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.
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My boss used this one yesterday when we were getting a little pedantic ‘you are trying to circumcise mosquitos’ :)
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There are 3 sides to every argument, Your side, Their side and the Truth.
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Same mother, differant father...
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Thats the most unheard of thing ive ever heard of .
Craig
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s hit tins of/full (lots of) ;D
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Same mother, differant father...
An add on to that is.."looks like she jumped the fence!"
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every one in the world is a f**kwit except me...
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If it sounds too good to be true it usually is
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Oxygen Thief
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Just remember in this world you are unique........ just like everyone else ! ;D
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Pick a window, your leaving!!
There's a bus leaving in 5 minutes, be under it.
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Same mother, differant father...
Ahh, my favourite - My mothers other son. Me - I don't have a brother!
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What to say about someone who's not very attractive:
1) Nothing a paper bag wouldn't fix
2) He/She has a head on it like a beaten favourite
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Good from afar, far from good
A blocker - she looks good from a block away
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For those who think they can sing...
"You should be on stage...there's one outa town in 5 minutes be on it"
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Hiding behind the door when the brains (change this to suit situation) were handed out were we??
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Money isn't the root of all evil. 25.807 is. >:D
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Been chasing parked cars... and catching a few. (bulldogs and other flat nosed critters)
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For anyone who is renowned for not joining/continuing a shout :cheers:
You must have a long skinny d**k, coz you're a tight fisted wanker.
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On the threat of dehydration, " my skin is cracking ".
On intelligence/ lack of, " he's dumber than a box of rocks ".
On ugliness, " looks like his head caught fire and someone put it out with a rabbit trap".
and " name's butterface. Nice arse, but her face!"
" name's Edna. 'Ed 'n her like a horse"
further to previous:-
On organisational skills, " couldn't organise a root in a brothel with a fist full of fifties and a box of chocolates".
On excess masturbation, " he's beating it like it owes him money"
On complete uselessness 'never a better retrospective argument for abortion"
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For anyone who is renowned for not joining/continuing a shout :cheers:
You must have a long skinny d**k, coz you're a tight fisted wanker.
On Shouting, "Call him Whisper...Wouldn't shout if a shark bit him"
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stolen from another forum....
The difference between knowledge & wisdom;
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to serve it in a fruit salad
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Up and down like a brides nightie
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Saying for a person who breaks things consistantly..."Passion Fingers"...everything they touch turns to s..t
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experience is recognising a mistake when you make it the second time!
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Gota head like a robbers dog.
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1/. Oh, for fk sake!
2/. Every day, is a good day when you can get out of bed!
3/. I blame my biorythums for this stuff up.
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Any thing for free is good. As long as it's not sexually transmitted.
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another bloody mobile chicane (slow moving vehicle, caravan CT or truck )
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You can't polish a turd
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I'm so happy i could just sh*t in my hands and clap
sexy fingers he f*cks everything he touches
He can climb plastic he got out of the afterbirth bucket
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Nice.. ::)
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You can't polish a turd
but you can roll it in glitter ;D
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For someone who did something stupid "If brains were dynamite... he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose"
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You can't polish a turd
Just ask the Myth Busters about that one, they managed to polish two types of turds :) Love that show.
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As on Jons Signature ....
"I got a sweater for Xmas, really wanted a moaner or screamer."
Cheers Chippy :D