just had to share this as its so funny

[Moggy]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend Maggie.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[lino6]

Some bloke in SE Melbourne started making wine out of bananas and putting it into casks. The label reads;

Nar Nar Goon

[Ynot]

These have made my night after a tough origin night.
Cheers


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[Barry G]

A fantastic thread.  PMSL!!!!

[oldmate]

Moggy,   

[Bad Scott]

Some bloke in SE Melbourne started making wine out of bananas and putting it into casks. The label reads;

Nar Nar Goon

[Green rv]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”

[Green rv]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

[Moggy]

^^^Pmsl
Gold

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[Ynot]

Bump!


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[briann532]

Its been so cold lately, the other day I saw a politician with his hand in his own pockets......

[Moggy]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist. "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a tosser then!"

[Robbo]

News Headline

 "Darwin woman stops crocodile attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed  woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here is her story in her own words:
"Always be prepared!!!”                                                                     
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of Gagudju Lodge in Kakadu National Park with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 16 foot crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."   

[Bird]

Prince George's second birthday, and the official photo has been released.

Tomorrow the Sun newspaper will show pictures of the Queen pointing at the birthday balloons on the ceiling.

[oldmate]

News Headline

 "Darwin woman stops crocodile attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed  woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here is her story in her own words:
"Always be prepared!!!”                                                                     
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of Gagudju Lodge in Kakadu National Park with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 16 foot crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."   

Hahahahaha.