just had to share this as its so funny

[Green rv]

road rage
Supposedly a True Story -- Author unknown

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Green rv]

baaaad days
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swing.

Then the poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on, man. I'm just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs...
"I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

[oldmate]

 

[Ozplanman]

thanks so much for posting that...it gave me a good chuck'e!

[Green rv]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Green rv]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Green rv]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.  After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.  In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6? tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Green rv]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[Green rv]

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

[glenm64]

Totally tasteless.
A husband had just witnessed his wife give birth to a son, but he was born with no eye lids.
The doctor said, don't worry we can circumcise him and use the skin for eye lids.
The father said, but wont he be cock eyed?
The doctor said it was a slight risk, but think of the foresight he will have.

[chester ver2.0]

A young lady is having a hard time her kids hate her and her husband has left.
So, one night she decides to go up to the Sydney Harbour Bridge and end it all.
Just as she is about to jump a young attractive sailor type wraps his arms around her and saves her.
After getting the story from the girl, the sailor tells her that the boat is shipping out tonight and she can come with him and start a new life in tropical places unknown.
So in the darkest of night and fog they slip down to the docks he puts her on the boat and hides her under a life raft cover.
In the early morning under a deep fog the boat sets sail for water unknown.
A routine is developed over the next couple of days, by day the sailor brings her food and by night he screws her brains out.
One day the captain is doing his rounds and hears a noise under the life raft and rips the cover back finding the girl.
He asks her what she is doing there and gets the reply that one of your sailors brought be abord he is taking me to a tropical desitiation to start a new life, feeds me every day and screws me every night.

To which the captain replys "to right you are getting screwed your are on the Manly Ferry"

[Green rv]

nailed it

[Green rv]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

[stabicraft]

I used to think I was right most of the time and about most things.
Then I had kids.
Now I know Im wrong all of the time about most everything.

But...........
If I know Im wrong all of the time about everything.
And im always wrong about everything all the time.
Does that mean that im wrong about being wrong all of the time
Or am I wrong about being wrong about being wrong all the time about everything?

Does that make me right about being wrong all the time about everything?
Or does it make me wrong about being wrong about everything all the time?
Or does that make me right all the time about everything all the time?

They say kids change your life.
Thats wrong, what kids do is change your perspective on life
and no matter how young a kid is, they are always wiser than you....................until they have kids of their own.
Then
Are they wrong all the time about everything?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

[Jeepers Creepers]

This is about one of our very own swag members. (I've changed his name to protect him)

The member, (who we'll call...um, lets call him Keith,) has run an earthmoving, bobcat, excavator business for around 25 years.
Now Keith goes to his family doctor and says he's stressed out and all that crap.

The doctor checks Keith's blood pressure and vital signs and says, if you don't give up work or retire, you'll end up having a stroke or heart attack.
So "Keith" decides to retire.

Six months later, he attends the doctor again to check he's ok now.
The doctor is amazed, everything is perfect, but he says to "Keith", drop ya pants and i'll make one final check.

The doctor can't believe his eyes..... Keith's penis is yellow all over.

Geez, "Keith", have you been working near chemicals, paint or any odd substances?
No Doc, came the reply.

The doctor said, well "Keith", what do you do all day.

"Keith" replied, oh, I just sit on the couch watching porno DVD's while eating Cheezels...... .   

[scarpsD40]

pmsl.....

[Green rv]

I was driving earlier and some woman pulled out in front of me.
Then I saw that she was texting and driving.
 I was so mad that I threw my beer at her!

[Green rv]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman

[Green rv]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[Green rv]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

[Green rv]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Green rv]

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[Jeepers Creepers]

Did you get a joke book for ya birthday?

[Green rv]

joke my son made up

why did the boys hat blow off

cause he had a brain fart

 

Adam

[Jeepers Creepers]

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."