Author Topic: just had to share this as its so funny  (Read 18811 times)

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Offline Green rv

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just had to share this as its so funny
« on: March 13, 2015, 04:20:15 PM »
A learning experience…


Names have been removed to protect the stupid!

Actual letter from someone who writes, hunts and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head ... almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
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Offline xcvator

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2015, 04:48:30 PM »
HaHaHa, I know you deleted the name but that sure as hell sounds like Jeepers to me  ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline richee

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2015, 05:08:12 PM »
Absolute Gold  :cup: :cup:
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Offline chillipepperz

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2015, 05:50:59 PM »
OMG, and the wife wants a couple of deer to go with the other paddock ornaments around here. No way I say! Gold!

Cheers!
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Offline Vards

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2015, 06:25:47 PM »
Great story had me laughing.   Hope the said person is ok.  Reminds me a bit of all the hair removal story's on the net when blokes put nads on their balls.   Thanks for sharing.

Offline Cracka

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 06:38:28 PM »
Ahhhh mate that has made my day, thanks........imagine if you had've had a gopro videoing the whole shenanigans  ;D
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Offline wilson79

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 07:05:01 PM »
Pure Gold!!! :cheers:
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Offline Palmer

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2015, 07:21:20 PM »
Damn near brought tears to my eyes, I was laughing so much.

Offline Hoffy

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2015, 08:21:54 PM »
Haha, thats awesome.  What a good story and read.

Offline Bigsteve

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2015, 08:37:02 PM »
I needed a laugh, and that hit the spot. Classic

S

Offline Jeepers Creepers

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2015, 04:59:23 AM »
HaHaHa, I know you deleted the name but that sure as hell sounds like Jeepers to me  ;D ;D ;D ;D

You are not a very nice man,,,,,  :D
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 08:03:15 AM »
God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2015, 08:20:50 AM »
Good Hunting Dog
Chester says to Earl
"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says "I don't believe it.
There really are only two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road.
If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out
and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its
mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you
there are more forking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
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Offline stabicraft

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2015, 05:58:14 PM »
While traveling to work one morning I took a detour through the national park
I was riding a motorcycle at the time and it was a beautiful warm morning, so a nice easy ride to work on a bush road was very appealing
Enjoyment having been taken, I negotiated my way back onto the black stuff and rode on my way to work
Traffic lights being traffic lights, the one I approached was red, and being in a good mood and a nice legal rider, I stopped
It was about this point that I noticed a blurr in the right side of my visor, I tried focussing on this point an realised that it was on the visor
Nothing to worry about, ..... Then it moved
It had several rather large very hairy legs
It were a bloody big spider
Still, .... Nothing to worry about, I reached up with my hloved hand to brush it off
It was at this point that I realised that this bloody great hary spider was not outside my visor, but inside it....... Near my face..... Near my eyes
Now, Im not usually one to panic, but this spider was huge
 I let go of the handlebars and sevrral ghings happened simultaneously
 Bikes have a hand clutch, let it go and the bike lurches forward and stalls
Losing my balance I fell to the side, immediay jumping up and bashing my visor with my hands to dislodge the spider
This was not a good idea,
A spider seen is bad, a spider unseen is far worse, the damn thing had dissapeared

Now, imagine from a motorists standpoint
The idiot on the bike in front falling off his bike, leaping to his feet and bashing his helmet
The poor lady in the car behind me calmly reached up and locked her doors

I gingerly took off my helmet and carefully looked inside
There was no spider to be seen, where was it?
Panic was starting to take hold, until I looked at the lady behind me
Her look of distain, slowly transformed into a look of terror as she sighted the huge spider walking up my leathers near my neck
I looked down and saw my evil monster brushed it off and turned it into a smear on the road for revenge if for no other reason

Upon arriving at work, I realised that I was sweating so bad that my shirt was soaked
Chatting to a learned colleague I was informed that it was probably a huntsman, they head up out of the wind and "probably" wouldn't have bitten me , probably don't count and I do not appreciate sharing my helmet with a six inch spider, especially when my head is in it.

Never rode through the national park again
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Offline loanrangie

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 11:32:08 PM »
While traveling to work one morning I took a detour through the national park
I was riding a motorcycle at the time and it was a beautiful warm morning, so a nice easy ride to work on a bush road was very appealing
Enjoyment having been taken, I negotiated my way back onto the black stuff and rode on my way to work
Traffic lights being traffic lights, the one I approached was red, and being in a good mood and a nice legal rider, I stopped
It was about this point that I noticed a blurr in the right side of my visor, I tried focussing on this point an realised that it was on the visor
Nothing to worry about, ..... Then it moved
It had several rather large very hairy legs
It were a bloody big spider
Still, .... Nothing to worry about, I reached up with my hloved hand to brush it off
It was at this point that I realised that this bloody great hary spider was not outside my visor, but inside it....... Near my face..... Near my eyes
Now, Im not usually one to panic, but this spider was huge
 I let go of the handlebars and sevrral ghings happened simultaneously
 Bikes have a hand clutch, let it go and the bike lurches forward and stalls
Losing my balance I fell to the side, immediay jumping up and bashing my visor with my hands to dislodge the spider
This was not a good idea,
A spider seen is bad, a spider unseen is far worse, the damn thing had dissapeared

Now, imagine from a motorists standpoint
The idiot on the bike in front falling off his bike, leaping to his feet and bashing his helmet
The poor lady in the car behind me calmly reached up and locked her doors

I gingerly took off my helmet and carefully looked inside
There was no spider to be seen, where was it?
Panic was starting to take hold, until I looked at the lady behind me
Her look of distain, slowly transformed into a look of terror as she sighted the huge spider walking up my leathers near my neck
I looked down and saw my evil monster brushed it off and turned it into a smear on the road for revenge if for no other reason

Upon arriving at work, I realised that I was sweating so bad that my shirt was soaked
Chatting to a learned colleague I was informed that it was probably a huntsman, they head up out of the wind and "probably" wouldn't have bitten me , probably don't count and I do not appreciate sharing my helmet with a six inch spider, especially when my head is in it.

Never rode through the national park again
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
 I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the  cars must have been giving me some strange looks.
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Offline LuckyDog

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2015, 02:19:27 PM »
 :cup:
Have tears running down my face after reading that
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2015, 08:12:55 AM »
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
 I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the  cars must have been giving me some strange looks.

also had a similar problem

back a long time ago i would have been 18 or so me and a mate borrowed his brothers car big v8 fairlane (still don't know if the brother knows we borrowed his car)to pick up our girlfriends to go out on a hot date
i was in the back with my date when something started walking down my skin, freaked out a bit swatted it and it stopped a minute or so later and again it happened again this time it took a bit more rattling about to shake the beast that was freaking me out, but managed to lose it once more.
now about 5 minutes had passed  and it started again this time i could not lose it it was all over me and by this time i'm twisting and jumping, arms and legs going everywhere on the back set trying to shake this thing it would not leave me alone
finally my mate stops the car and i get out shaking and jumping to get this gone, when it finally falls off.

it was a cricket a BIG scary cricket 

 :cheers:
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Offline edz

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2015, 08:43:17 AM »
Ok another share ... Movie night at the drive in .... a mate was all hot to go on a first date with this sheila so bugged my girl and I to to go with us [ the only way she would go on the first date ] So ok ..
Movie featured that night was the hit horror movie of the times " CUJO " https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AbqO7uQU1k.. well part way into the movie I reckon its time I go to get a burger and snacks with my girl .. returned just as a very intense part of the movie is showing without being seen by the two left in the back seat of our car .... indicate to my girl to be quiet and hand over the snacks and crouch up along side Ol'mates open window , Just as the tension breaks on screen and the dog springs out at some one....  I let out these  blood curdling snarls and growels and come flying up the side of the car and thrash  in through the car window .
Well Ol'mate who was attempting to put a move on this first date girl beside him starts Sqealing and Screaming and clawring his way over the top of the girl and tries to get out of  her door ... She just Froze ..
After dam near 10 minutes of trying to regain a breath and picking myself up of the ground from laughing so much, Ol'mates wannabe new girl friends first date was over ... She wasnt having a bar of a sook that squealed and screamed at a horror movie ..
« Last Edit: September 06, 2017, 03:04:05 PM by edz »
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Offline oldmate

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2015, 12:50:31 PM »
Cracking story edz :cup:
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Offline stabicraft

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2015, 08:17:38 AM »
I have a mate, a little strange and a barstard at times.
he has this little thing he does on long trips.

Just as everyone is settling down, drifting off and going to sleep, he hits the breaks HARD and screams at the top of his lungs.

Ill tell you, you dont sleep for the next few hours.

I just hope he never tries it with elderly passengers, heart attacks all round.

Im not quite that nasty.
As a scout leader, I took my troop off camping in the national park.
As we all do we sat around the fire telling spooky stories, you know the ones, the headless axeman, Drop bears etc etc.

Anyhoo, after a few hours I suggested we do some spotlighting of local fauna and suggested we do it with only one torch...........mine.
as we set off down the track, I fell behind until I was able to sneak off into the scrub as they walked off up the track.

My intention was to jump out at them when they came back.
But after about 20 min with no sign of them I thoiught they may have gotten lost and started off up the track after them.
As I walked down the track approaching a clearing I heard wispered conversation ahead.
Thinking they were preparing a suprise for me I went bush again and sneaked toward the noise.

As I approached, there in the middle of the clearing, back to back, all armed with various sticks and clubs, were my scouts.
Im not proud of what I did next, but it were bloody funny.

I leapt out of the scrub screaming and shouting, the scouts scattered in every direction screaming like the devil himself was after them.

It took me several hours to find them all and bring them back to camp.
Some were caught up in lantana, some were hiding, one was even on his way back to the road to hitch a ride home, but he should have brought his compass because that was not the direction he was heading.

The next day they all saw the funny side of the exercise, but never forgave me.
And I was "got back" so many times Ive lost count.
It got to the stage that I was on edge every night I came home for fear of someone jumping out at me.

They were a geat bunch of kids all groweded up now with families of their own and three even have scout troops.

But to this day I can still picture their faces as they saw me coming at them that night, bad leader, bad bad leader.
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2015, 01:40:02 PM »
Mary was texting another friend when Mary's mother walked by. She noticed Mary's text chat and ask what does "WTF" mean? Mary in a moment of quick thinking said "oh Susan was asking what I was doing tonight so I told her I was WTF, you know, With The Family."

Mary's mom smiled and said "oh that's nice" and went about her business.

A few months later, the family took a summer vacation to Paris. As they were traveling around the city, Mary's mom said to her, "I can't believe all these Facebook Likes I am getting about our trip."

Mary asked "why, what are you saying?"

Mary's mom said "nothing special, In Paris WTF."
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2015, 03:10:57 PM »
First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
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Offline chester ver2.0

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2015, 04:50:08 PM »
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
 I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the  cars must have been giving me some strange looks.]

Mate i have crossed 3 lanes of the F3 at 120kph once due to a bloody huntsman pulled into the emergecy lane jumped out the passanger door and my new girlfriend at the time was pissing herself cause i refused to get back into the car until a verified and confirmed kill could be produced
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Offline Green rv

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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2015, 09:26:05 AM »
A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang.  He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.  The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.  The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.  This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.  Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.  The doorbell rang.  The cockroach was standing there.  The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.  He explained events of the preceding four nights.  "What can I do?" he pleaded.  "Not much" the doctor replied.  "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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Re: just had to share this as its so funny
« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2015, 10:11:03 AM »
When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
Hilux 2002 LN167 + Stockman POD