OK, there is a bit of a story to get to this, so hang in there......
In april 08, a P-plater hung a u-turn at the lights in Maroochydore and bowled me arse over tit off a motorbike.
I went sailing through the air and landed shoulder first on the square curb edge.
Now, i didn't know at the time, but i had a broken right scapula in two places, sore knee, lots of bark off, you know, the usual.
So, the ambulance turns up, along with the cops, and the fire truck and the tow truck and every other person for 10 kilometres.
Ambo does all the normal questions about pain before giving me one of those green whistle thingys to suck on.
By the time i'm going into the meat-truck, i'm feeling very mellow man, like cool dude....
Now, these pain relief whistles are a hoot and i'm very relaxed, so much so, i'm really really relaxed.
On the way, i thought, geez, i think i'm gunna sh!t myself.
I asked the driver, does this thing have lights and siren, cause i really need to get to hospital.
Why, wahts up, he asked.
I'm about to spray paint the back of here in mission brown, thats why. I'm gunna sh!t myself ya fool.
All i heard was "Oh no"
Anyway, i made it to hospital with my sphincter muscle doing backflips, but no anal leakage. YAHOO.
So, if you're still with me, for several months, i was laid up at home, but i did find that Jack Daniels and painkillers work very well together.
The first week or two was the worse, being right handed, having a crap was a whole new experience and not a good one either.
For love nor money, left handed and pissed, i couldn't get a fair swipe at wiping my bum after a crap. I tried, but the more i tried, the further it spread.
It was horrible, i had sh!t everywhere, over my bum, up my back, i think i even had the stuff in my hair at one point.
I thought of just sitting on the sprinkler at one point.
But, with time and practice, i managed the wipe, polish and buff left handed and with hardly any leftovers too.
After a few weeks, i decided one drunken afternoon, to mow our 1.75 acre property.
We lived on a steepish block, with a 25% fall in some spots, so i would balance the mower on turns by sitting on the mudguard to keep it from rolling. Piss easy when not laid up with an arm in a sling and sober, a tad harder pissed.
It was the footpath that got me too. The spoon drain out front had a steep side, so trying to counter balance with a dodgy shoulder while drinking about my tenth can of premix was my undoing.
As the mower tipped, the two left wheels began to lift, i knew not to turn that way, so i turned into the drain with my good arm while holding my drink with my bad arm.
Don't know why, but as i was wrestling the mower, my hand squeezed the life out of the drink can, with a fountain of Jacks spraying up all over me as i planted the mower in the ditch nose first.
A bloke going past turned back and towed it out of the ditch for me before the wife got home etc. which was nice of him.
He asked if i was drunk and i replied i was way past drunk.......
I thanked him as only a drunken invalid could and as he left, he suggested i might wanna do it sober next time.
