MySwag.org The Off-road Camper Trailer Forum
General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Green rv on March 13, 2015, 04:20:15 PM
-
A learning experience…
Names have been removed to protect the stupid!
Actual letter from someone who writes, hunts and farms.
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head ... almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
-
HaHaHa, I know you deleted the name but that sure as hell sounds like Jeepers to me ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Absolute Gold :cup: :cup:
-
OMG, and the wife wants a couple of deer to go with the other paddock ornaments around here. No way I say! Gold!
Cheers!
Andrew
-
Great story had me laughing. Hope the said person is ok. Reminds me a bit of all the hair removal story's on the net when blokes put nads on their balls. Thanks for sharing.
-
Ahhhh mate that has made my day, thanks........imagine if you had've had a gopro videoing the whole shenanigans ;D
-
Pure Gold!!! :cheers:
-
Damn near brought tears to my eyes, I was laughing so much.
-
Haha, thats awesome. What a good story and read.
-
I needed a laugh, and that hit the spot. Classic
S
-
HaHaHa, I know you deleted the name but that sure as hell sounds like Jeepers to me ;D ;D ;D ;D
You are not a very nice man,,,,, :D
-
God Loves Drunk People Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
-
Good Hunting Dog
Chester says to Earl
"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says "I don't believe it.
There really are only two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road.
If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out
and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its
mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you
there are more forking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
-
While traveling to work one morning I took a detour through the national park
I was riding a motorcycle at the time and it was a beautiful warm morning, so a nice easy ride to work on a bush road was very appealing
Enjoyment having been taken, I negotiated my way back onto the black stuff and rode on my way to work
Traffic lights being traffic lights, the one I approached was red, and being in a good mood and a nice legal rider, I stopped
It was about this point that I noticed a blurr in the right side of my visor, I tried focussing on this point an realised that it was on the visor
Nothing to worry about, ..... Then it moved
It had several rather large very hairy legs
It were a bloody big spider
Still, .... Nothing to worry about, I reached up with my hloved hand to brush it off
It was at this point that I realised that this bloody great hary spider was not outside my visor, but inside it....... Near my face..... Near my eyes
Now, Im not usually one to panic, but this spider was huge
I let go of the handlebars and sevrral ghings happened simultaneously
Bikes have a hand clutch, let it go and the bike lurches forward and stalls
Losing my balance I fell to the side, immediay jumping up and bashing my visor with my hands to dislodge the spider
This was not a good idea,
A spider seen is bad, a spider unseen is far worse, the damn thing had dissapeared
Now, imagine from a motorists standpoint
The idiot on the bike in front falling off his bike, leaping to his feet and bashing his helmet
The poor lady in the car behind me calmly reached up and locked her doors
I gingerly took off my helmet and carefully looked inside
There was no spider to be seen, where was it?
Panic was starting to take hold, until I looked at the lady behind me
Her look of distain, slowly transformed into a look of terror as she sighted the huge spider walking up my leathers near my neck
I looked down and saw my evil monster brushed it off and turned it into a smear on the road for revenge if for no other reason
Upon arriving at work, I realised that I was sweating so bad that my shirt was soaked
Chatting to a learned colleague I was informed that it was probably a huntsman, they head up out of the wind and "probably" wouldn't have bitten me , probably don't count and I do not appreciate sharing my helmet with a six inch spider, especially when my head is in it.
Never rode through the national park again
-
While traveling to work one morning I took a detour through the national park
I was riding a motorcycle at the time and it was a beautiful warm morning, so a nice easy ride to work on a bush road was very appealing
Enjoyment having been taken, I negotiated my way back onto the black stuff and rode on my way to work
Traffic lights being traffic lights, the one I approached was red, and being in a good mood and a nice legal rider, I stopped
It was about this point that I noticed a blurr in the right side of my visor, I tried focussing on this point an realised that it was on the visor
Nothing to worry about, ..... Then it moved
It had several rather large very hairy legs
It were a bloody big spider
Still, .... Nothing to worry about, I reached up with my hloved hand to brush it off
It was at this point that I realised that this bloody great hary spider was not outside my visor, but inside it....... Near my face..... Near my eyes
Now, Im not usually one to panic, but this spider was huge
I let go of the handlebars and sevrral ghings happened simultaneously
Bikes have a hand clutch, let it go and the bike lurches forward and stalls
Losing my balance I fell to the side, immediay jumping up and bashing my visor with my hands to dislodge the spider
This was not a good idea,
A spider seen is bad, a spider unseen is far worse, the damn thing had dissapeared
Now, imagine from a motorists standpoint
The idiot on the bike in front falling off his bike, leaping to his feet and bashing his helmet
The poor lady in the car behind me calmly reached up and locked her doors
I gingerly took off my helmet and carefully looked inside
There was no spider to be seen, where was it?
Panic was starting to take hold, until I looked at the lady behind me
Her look of distain, slowly transformed into a look of terror as she sighted the huge spider walking up my leathers near my neck
I looked down and saw my evil monster brushed it off and turned it into a smear on the road for revenge if for no other reason
Upon arriving at work, I realised that I was sweating so bad that my shirt was soaked
Chatting to a learned colleague I was informed that it was probably a huntsman, they head up out of the wind and "probably" wouldn't have bitten me , probably don't count and I do not appreciate sharing my helmet with a six inch spider, especially when my head is in it.
Never rode through the national park again
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the cars must have been giving me some strange looks.
-
:cup:
Have tears running down my face after reading that
-
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the cars must have been giving me some strange looks.
also had a similar problem
back a long time ago i would have been 18 or so me and a mate borrowed his brothers car big v8 fairlane (still don't know if the brother knows we borrowed his car)to pick up our girlfriends to go out on a hot date
i was in the back with my date when something started walking down my skin, freaked out a bit swatted it and it stopped a minute or so later and again it happened again this time it took a bit more rattling about to shake the beast that was freaking me out, but managed to lose it once more.
now about 5 minutes had passed and it started again this time i could not lose it it was all over me and by this time i'm twisting and jumping, arms and legs going everywhere on the back set trying to shake this thing it would not leave me alone
finally my mate stops the car and i get out shaking and jumping to get this gone, when it finally falls off.
it was a cricket a BIG scary cricket
:cheers:
Ads
-
Ok another share ... Movie night at the drive in .... a mate was all hot to go on a first date with this sheila so bugged my girl and I to to go with us [ the only way she would go on the first date ] So ok ..
Movie featured that night was the hit horror movie of the times " CUJO " https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AbqO7uQU1k.. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AbqO7uQU1k..) well part way into the movie I reckon its time I go to get a burger and snacks with my girl .. returned just as a very intense part of the movie is showing without being seen by the two left in the back seat of our car .... indicate to my girl to be quiet and hand over the snacks and crouch up along side Ol'mates open window , Just as the tension breaks on screen and the dog springs out at some one.... I let out these blood curdling snarls and growels and come flying up the side of the car and thrash in through the car window .
Well Ol'mate who was attempting to put a move on this first date girl beside him starts Sqealing and Screaming and clawring his way over the top of the girl and tries to get out of her door ... She just Froze ..
After dam near 10 minutes of trying to regain a breath and picking myself up of the ground from laughing so much, Ol'mates wannabe new girl friends first date was over ... She wasnt having a bar of a sook that squealed and screamed at a horror movie ..
-
Cracking story edz :cup:
-
I have a mate, a little strange and a barstard at times.
he has this little thing he does on long trips.
Just as everyone is settling down, drifting off and going to sleep, he hits the breaks HARD and screams at the top of his lungs.
Ill tell you, you dont sleep for the next few hours.
I just hope he never tries it with elderly passengers, heart attacks all round.
Im not quite that nasty.
As a scout leader, I took my troop off camping in the national park.
As we all do we sat around the fire telling spooky stories, you know the ones, the headless axeman, Drop bears etc etc.
Anyhoo, after a few hours I suggested we do some spotlighting of local fauna and suggested we do it with only one torch...........mine.
as we set off down the track, I fell behind until I was able to sneak off into the scrub as they walked off up the track.
My intention was to jump out at them when they came back.
But after about 20 min with no sign of them I thoiught they may have gotten lost and started off up the track after them.
As I walked down the track approaching a clearing I heard wispered conversation ahead.
Thinking they were preparing a suprise for me I went bush again and sneaked toward the noise.
As I approached, there in the middle of the clearing, back to back, all armed with various sticks and clubs, were my scouts.
Im not proud of what I did next, but it were bloody funny.
I leapt out of the scrub screaming and shouting, the scouts scattered in every direction screaming like the devil himself was after them.
It took me several hours to find them all and bring them back to camp.
Some were caught up in lantana, some were hiding, one was even on his way back to the road to hitch a ride home, but he should have brought his compass because that was not the direction he was heading.
The next day they all saw the funny side of the exercise, but never forgave me.
And I was "got back" so many times Ive lost count.
It got to the stage that I was on edge every night I came home for fear of someone jumping out at me.
They were a geat bunch of kids all groweded up now with families of their own and three even have scout troops.
But to this day I can still picture their faces as they saw me coming at them that night, bad leader, bad bad leader.
-
Mary was texting another friend when Mary's mother walked by. She noticed Mary's text chat and ask what does "WTF" mean? Mary in a moment of quick thinking said "oh Susan was asking what I was doing tonight so I told her I was WTF, you know, With The Family."
Mary's mom smiled and said "oh that's nice" and went about her business.
A few months later, the family took a summer vacation to Paris. As they were traveling around the city, Mary's mom said to her, "I can't believe all these Facebook Likes I am getting about our trip."
Mary asked "why, what are you saying?"
Mary's mom said "nothing special, In Paris WTF."
-
First Condom
“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
-
I can relate to that story, i was also stopped at lights when a big hairy huntsman ran out from behind the speedo along my arm and up into my helmet.
I couldnt get the bloody thing off quick enough and the cars must have been giving me some strange looks.]
Mate i have crossed 3 lanes of the F3 at 120kph once due to a bloody huntsman pulled into the emergecy lane jumped out the passanger door and my new girlfriend at the time was pissing herself cause i refused to get back into the car until a verified and confirmed kill could be produced
-
A Bug
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
-
When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
-
road rage
Supposedly a True Story -- Author unknown
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
-
baaaad days
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swing.
Then the poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on, man. I'm just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs...
"I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
-
:cup:
-
thanks so much for posting that...it gave me a good chuck'e!
-
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
-
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
-
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6? tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
-
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
-
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
-
Totally tasteless.
A husband had just witnessed his wife give birth to a son, but he was born with no eye lids.
The doctor said, don't worry we can circumcise him and use the skin for eye lids.
The father said, but wont he be cock eyed?
The doctor said it was a slight risk, but think of the foresight he will have.
-
A young lady is having a hard time her kids hate her and her husband has left.
So, one night she decides to go up to the Sydney Harbour Bridge and end it all.
Just as she is about to jump a young attractive sailor type wraps his arms around her and saves her.
After getting the story from the girl, the sailor tells her that the boat is shipping out tonight and she can come with him and start a new life in tropical places unknown.
So in the darkest of night and fog they slip down to the docks he puts her on the boat and hides her under a life raft cover.
In the early morning under a deep fog the boat sets sail for water unknown.
A routine is developed over the next couple of days, by day the sailor brings her food and by night he screws her brains out.
One day the captain is doing his rounds and hears a noise under the life raft and rips the cover back finding the girl.
He asks her what she is doing there and gets the reply that one of your sailors brought be abord he is taking me to a tropical desitiation to start a new life, feeds me every day and screws me every night.
To which the captain replys "to right you are getting screwed your are on the Manly Ferry"
-
nailed it
-
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'
-
I used to think I was right most of the time and about most things.
Then I had kids.
Now I know Im wrong all of the time about most everything.
But...........
If I know Im wrong all of the time about everything.
And im always wrong about everything all the time.
Does that mean that im wrong about being wrong all of the time
Or am I wrong about being wrong about being wrong all the time about everything?
Does that make me right about being wrong all the time about everything?
Or does it make me wrong about being wrong about everything all the time?
Or does that make me right all the time about everything all the time?
They say kids change your life.
Thats wrong, what kids do is change your perspective on life
and no matter how young a kid is, they are always wiser than you....................until they have kids of their own.
Then
Are they wrong all the time about everything?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
-
This is about one of our very own swag members. (I've changed his name to protect him)
The member, (who we'll call...um, lets call him Keith,) has run an earthmoving, bobcat, excavator business for around 25 years.
Now Keith goes to his family doctor and says he's stressed out and all that crap.
The doctor checks Keith's blood pressure and vital signs and says, if you don't give up work or retire, you'll end up having a stroke or heart attack.
So "Keith" decides to retire.
Six months later, he attends the doctor again to check he's ok now.
The doctor is amazed, everything is perfect, but he says to "Keith", drop ya pants and i'll make one final check.
The doctor can't believe his eyes..... Keith's penis is yellow all over.
Geez, "Keith", have you been working near chemicals, paint or any odd substances?
No Doc, came the reply.
The doctor said, well "Keith", what do you do all day.
"Keith" replied, oh, I just sit on the couch watching porno DVD's while eating Cheezels...... .
-
pmsl.....
-
I was driving earlier and some woman pulled out in front of me.
Then I saw that she was texting and driving.
I was so mad that I threw my beer at her!
-
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman
-
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
-
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
-
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
-
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
-
Did you get a joke book for ya birthday?
-
joke my son made up
why did the boys hat blow off
cause he had a brain fart
:laugh:
Adam
-
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
-
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend Maggie.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
-
Some bloke in SE Melbourne started making wine out of bananas and putting it into casks. The label reads;
Nar Nar Goon
-
These have made my night after a tough origin night.
Cheers
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
-
A fantastic thread. PMSL!!!!
-
Moggy, :cup: :cup:
-
Some bloke in SE Melbourne started making wine out of bananas and putting it into casks. The label reads;
Nar Nar Goon
:cup: :cup:
-
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”
-
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
-
^^^Pmsl
Gold
Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk
-
Bump!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
-
Its been so cold lately, the other day I saw a politician with his hand in his own pockets......
-
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist. "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a tosser then!"
-
News Headline
"Darwin woman stops crocodile attack with a small Beretta pistol."
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here is her story in her own words:
"Always be prepared!!!”
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of Gagudju Lodge in Kakadu National Park with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 16 foot crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible." ;D
-
Prince George's second birthday, and the official photo has been released.
Tomorrow the Sun newspaper will show pictures of the Queen pointing at the birthday balloons on the ceiling.
-
News Headline
"Darwin woman stops crocodile attack with a small Beretta pistol."
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here is her story in her own words:
"Always be prepared!!!”
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of Gagudju Lodge in Kakadu National Park with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 16 foot crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible." ;D
Hahahahaha. :cup: