Hi Mark
I was a first time dad at 47, so it was a steep learning curve for me. We have two daughters 13 and 17 and they are both great kids, if you can call the older one a kid. Here are a couple of pointers that we have learned, in no particular order of importance:
1. Remember that there is a fair bit of hormonal and social stuff going with her - all of which, as a bloke, is way above your pay scale. So, if you on the receiving end of bad behaviour (from the eye-roll to the screaming match to the door slam), remember this: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
2. Talk to her, never patronise her, treat her like you would an adult and try to never raise your voice. The last is a particularly hard ask.
3. You are her parent, not her friend. It's impossible to always be both.
4. Stop buying or paying for her clothes. Agree on a realistic annual clothing allowance (maybe $350-$500 at age 14) and let her manage her own clothes money in a dedicated account. If she blows the lot and ends up in rags, that's her problem. Increase the allowance each year. We did that from age 12 - with the allowance paid on their birthday. It shows them you trust them and respect their judgement. We pay for school stuff and the odd special treat. The downside is that, at every country town we pass through, we have to stop at the local Vinnies and shop for "cool" clothes. I grin and bare it.
5. One unbreakable rule is about going out and she must be able to answer these four questions at all times:
Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? How and when will you be getting home?
If she is going to be late, she calls you 30 minutes before due-home-time and you have the option to pick her up. At 14, she should always be in the house before it gets dark, if she it out on her own.
6. Always be available for a quiet yarn, even if it means turning off the footie. Treasure those moments. Try not to give advice unless invited. Ask questions instead.
7. Get to know and enjoy her friends and always make them welcome in your home.
8. The ultimate sanction is "grounding" for a few days or a week or more. Our record is four weeks for a massive Facebook indiscretion. No electronic gadgets, computer only for school work, no outings, no friends in the house, no TV, all meals taken in their room. Pocket money is cancelled, but held over and paid later if they behave well during grounding. If she has a part time job, you pick her up and deliver her. It's harsh but it does work - more in threat than execution.
9. Always try to eat dinner as a family and let everyone have equal time talking.
10. Contracts are a waste of time.
