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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: MarkVS on October 12, 2013, 06:29:13 PM
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As of 11/10/2013, our 14 YO daughter officially became a teenager.
She has had a heated discussion with my wife advising that we are being too restrictive with regards to her phone, Facebook etc, we never let her do anything, we are being too restrictive as far as clothes, we invade her privacy too much etc etc etc.
She is a great kid. We did some investigation and one of the big things around at the moment appears to be where you sit down with your teenager, and discus and document your behavious expectations for various things...what they call behavious contrcts....eg..room tidiness, homework, phone usage, Facebook etc....but you also discuss and capture the consequences if they don't do it, and rewards if the continually do.
Has anyone else done this, and does it work ?
MarkVS
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Good luck mate, my girls are good too but gee you have to pull them up often.
I think that is the main thing just consistently reenforcing the boundaries.
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I'm with Ynot.
My 13 y/old soon to be 14y/old daughter is constantly having me reinforce what is expected of her. She is a great kid but I see too many go off the rails and just don't want it happening in my house. Most of the time she sees it my way.
She is one of her only friends that still doesn't have a phone BUT on her school camp to Melbourne next year, the 'camp' list states kids need to have a phone, Go Figure. She doesn't have Facebook and doesn't want it - YES - Winner.
She has an iPod and wants Instagram but I have managed to resist that. She does have Skype and KIK but is not allowed to passcode her iPod because that will prevent us from checking it whenever we want.
Her main punishment is the removal of the iPod as it is her lifeline to her friends. I might add that she actually communicates with the family when she doesn't have access to it.
She doesn't get pocket money but when she has to go somewhere or buy something within reason she generally gets it.
I have not heard of a contract. When I was a kid one of our friends parents had a roster telling them what they needed to do and when. If they didn't do it they were punished. We see some of relatives running similar programs with there kids now. When they do their chores they get a tick in the box and if they don't fill the boxes, no pocket money or other punishments.
GOOD LUCK, that's what I'm hoping for. You can be the best parent in the world but if your kid falls in with the wrong kids in their social network then heaven help you.
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Mate haven't heard of it, and my girls is still to little to indulge into that stuff, but I think the concept has merit, I like the idea of a formal sit down and then setting out of the requirements, and even better you get your daughter/s, to agree in writing.
I reckon it could work, and work well.
Good luck.
Swanny
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I/we just take the computer leads and sim cards and say, you pay for it or do as your told and that includes our 18yr old. >:D ;D
They get taught that they rights at school but nothing about responsibilities. >:(
Foo
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Yeah we tried, now have 5 grandkids Good luck. Barnray
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Hmmm my 7y.o is going on 13.
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IMO it's good to do the discussing ahead of time - I.e. not when there has been a 'blow up'. Set it out when all are calm, easier to get agreement then, especially if you are suggesting it is tie they got some extra 'freedom' / benefit they haven't had before. Then, if they reneg on the agreement you have it to support your position. Becomes harder for them to sustain the 'I'm hard done by' meme.
Havering said that, I've been exceptionally lucky with my 2.
Young bloke turned 18 last week, heading out with mates tonight. Just hoping he remains sensible. Nothing else I can do...
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As of 11/10/2013, our 14 YO daughter officially became a teenager.
She has had a heated discussion with my wife advising that we are being too restrictive with regards to her phone, Facebook etc, we never let her do anything, we are being too restrictive as far as clothes, we invade her privacy too much etc etc etc.
She is a great kid. We did some investigation and one of the big things around at the moment appears to be where you sit down with your teenager, and discus and document your behavious expectations for various things...what they call behavious contrcts....eg..room tidiness, homework, phone usage, Facebook etc....but you also discuss and capture the consequences if they don't do it, and rewards if the continually do.
Has anyone else done this, and does it work ?
MarkVS
Mate hope this is not a consequence of spending time with our daughter. ;D
Being serious though, it's a time when you reinforce your boundaries and rely on the ground work you have put into the last 13yrs.
All is good in our household at the moment.
Good Luck
Craig
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As of 11/10/2013, our 14 YO daughter officially became a teenager.
She has had a heated discussion with my wife advising that we are being too restrictive with regards to her phone, Facebook etc, we never let her do anything, we are being too restrictive as far as clothes, we invade her privacy too much etc etc etc.
She is a great kid. We did some investigation and one of the big things around at the moment appears to be where you sit down with your teenager, and discus and document your behavious expectations for various things...what they call behavious contrcts....eg..room tidiness, homework, phone usage, Facebook etc....but you also discuss and capture the consequences if they don't do it, and rewards if the continually do.
Has anyone else done this, and does it work ?
MarkVS
Going through hell with 13yr old son and school and general attitude.. Seems to continually forget homework to the point of phonecalls/email from school asking... Hes lost everything but his clothes.. no phone, no xbox, no DS, no nothing.. All his life evolves around now is his PC.. Today I was out most of day, he was home alone, he has only spent since 10am till 8.30 on here and hasn't moved apart from to have a piss and 2 min noodles. We have had so many *big talks* about the future and life and stop being a ****, but you can tell he isn't even interested in listening.
Luckily he doesn't give a toss about stalkerbook (just like his daddy)... so that argument isn't an issue.
I think the solution is to go back in time and make sure she had a headache that one night instead of 2 minutes pleasure I don't even remember.
To you my friend, I say good ****in luck!
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I have some experience in these matters. After starting said contractual discussions with a teenage girl, I eventually gave up in frustration and married her. Its called a bipartisan agreement.
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I have some experience in these matters. After starting said contractual discussions with a teenage girl, I eventually gave up in frustration and married her. Its called a bipartisan agreement.
Rofl. ;D
(http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/659441/rofl_emoticon.gif)
pics on Sodahead (http://www.sodahead.com/living/would-you-rather-work-from-home-or-in-the-office/question-3653573/?link=ibaf&imgurl=http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/659441/rofl_emoticon.gif&q=)
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I have some experience in these matters. After starting said contractual discussions with a teenage girl, I eventually gave up in frustration and married her. Its called a bipartisan agreement.
Gold....bwhaaaaa........much better advise then lost offers....hahahahaha
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As of 11/10/2013, our 14 YO daughter officially became a teenager.
She has had a heated discussion with my wife advising that we are being too restrictive with regards to her phone, Facebook etc, we never let her do anything, we are being too restrictive as far as clothes, we invade her privacy too much etc etc etc.
She is a great kid.
Is there an issue here?
"she is a great kid"
Then you must be on the right track and whatever has worked until now may be the recipe.
The clothes thing is a funny one. We don't like our daughters wearing short skirts yet we are fine with them wearing a bikini or one piece at the beach.
Phones/social media is a huge thing with kids nowadays. Our only rule is that we are their friend on facebook and the phone/laptop etc has the families usual password on it. Have the phone left in the kitchen when they go to bed so they can sleep and you can use it if needed.
Who gives a rats what their room is like. We have 4 kids and gave up on that ages ago. They live in it not us.
We have been lucky so far. The main rule we have is you don't disrespect your mother. EVER.
Wife and I always back each other in front of the kids, even when I am wrong, which is often ;D
AND SAY SORRY IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE - goes a long way to a good friendship.
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Going through hell with 13yr old son and school and general attitude.. Seems to continually forget homework to the point of phonecalls/email from school asking... Hes lost everything but his clothes.. no phone, no xbox, no DS, no nothing.. All his life evolves around now is his PC.. Today I was out most of day, he was home alone, he has only spent since 10am till 8.30 on here and hasn't moved apart from to have a piss and 2 min noodles. We have had so many *big talks* about the future and life and stop being a ****, but you can tell he isn't even interested in listening.
Luckily he doesn't give a toss about stalkerbook (just like his daddy)... so that argument isn't an issue.
I think the solution is to go back in time and make sure she had a headache that one night instead of 2 minutes pleasure I don't even remember.
To you my friend, I say good ****in luck!
Oh good luck my friend. Your situation sounds way to familiar, but my boy is now 19. He left when he was 17 due to not liking to have to do things to get things. We expected way too much of him and worked him like a dog. His jobs were to put the bins out and to load and unload the dishwasher..... Poor thing. He's still a lazy bum, but mostly out of my hair..... Mostly!
My advise for a teenage girl would be GOOD LUCK ;)
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Is there an issue here?
"she is a great kid"
Dazzler,
There really isn't a big problem. She is a great kid that is growing up,and needs some new boundaries as she is starting to want more independence.
There was so much write up about these 'behaviour contracts' I was wondering if anyone had tried them as the concept sounds interesting.
As for the clothes, it's something more specific to her. She is 14, but just under 6 ft tall and looks 21.. we are a little more specific/choosy about her clothes as many clothes (eg skirts, open bikini) make her look way beyond her age.
Mark
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I heard that changing the password on ya wifi every now and then if they need punishment.
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There was so much write up about these 'behaviour contracts' I was wondering if anyone had tried them as the concept sounds interesting.
As for the clothes, it's something more specific to her. She is 14, but just under 6 ft tall and looks 21.. we are a little more specific/choosy about her clothes as many clothes (eg skirts, open bikini) make her look way beyond her age.
Just on the kids clothes, my daughter is 9, go shopping and look at what clothes are designed for a 9yr old these days... ****ing incredible how tiny they are.. makes Daisy Dukes shorts look like overalls. You struggle to buy things that are acceptable.
Looking at what some of Cammo's chick school friends wear, terrifies me as to if they will be bigger than 1 piece of thread by the time Bek is 14.. :(
FWIW, I think these "contracts" sound like something made up by some university educated fool who has never had kids... sorta like the same ones that say 'don't punish didums'...
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Having spent some considerable time with you guys I'd have to say your a pretty well adjusted bunch :cup: , We had some small issues with our now 19 & 22 year old boys but nothing I/we didn't try at that age.
With a little patience and a few beers I'm sure you'll get through it Mark ;D , if need be Mr McGirr and I can sit her down and set her straight ::)
Cheers mate,
Johnno
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Good luck with that. I have four of the hormonal things to put up with ;D lucky I've got Sir Jack Daniels on my side :cheers:
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Hi,
My wife and I look after 10 teenage girls during school term. So it is only for 40 weeks @ year.
They are all beautiful kids.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They need to be set and they need to be reinforced firmly but at all times with love and respect. (And don't forget forgiveness)
Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility. I am also a teacher and I can tell you responsibilities and service to others is paramount in schools' curriculum.
Rights are important and look out if the rights of any of my ten girls, or the students in my class, have been breached. It is about safety and respect.
Love, love, love.
Respect, respect, respect.
And the most important of all the three R's. Relationship, Relationship and Relationship.
Jumping down from my soap box and returning to earth. ;D
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Having spent some considerable time with you guys I'd have to say your a pretty well adjusted bunch :cup: , We had some small issues with our now 19 & 22 year old boys but nothing I/we didn't try at that age.
With a little patience and a few beers I'm sure you'll get through it Mark ;D , if need be Mr McGirr and I can sit her down and set her straight ::)
Cheers mate,
Johnno
Thanks JK....and thanks for the offer......but I might keep you and Mark McGirr on standby...... She grew up heaps enough as it was just in the 2.5 weeks she was exposed to you guys on the Cape trip ;D ;D
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We're ready to spring into action any time you need us :cheers:
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We gave our now 16 1/2 year old a contract mid last year call CLC... Catholic Ladies College! Shape up or no boys and you get a special uniform!
Year 10 grades and homework improved out of sight!
This year the inlaws and my partner introduced 'B' for Bali. Get a B in her major subjects and her and my partner get an inlaws paid for trip to Bali... and I stay at home and look after the 2 little ones. :'(
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We gave our now 16 1/2 year old a contract mid last year call CLC... Catholic Ladies College! Shape up or no boys and you get a special uniform!
Mines 1 more **** up from boarding school...
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Boundaries. Yep.
Turning off the WiFi was probably the most persuasive way of getting the point across.
2 daughters. 15 year old loves the camping, the fishing and plays a mean game of golf.
How about that?
18 year old was a bit different.
Phone went in my pocket a few times and the Wifi died once. Once only.
She deferred Uni for this year and now has her own car, pays for her phone although the WiFi still comes out of my pocket.
2 days after she turned 18 she arrived home with a..
Tattoo. :-[
Rod
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cable ties and external bedroom door locks is all that is required
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G'day Mark,
Yep, We know what you are going through, Re my thread about a month ago "How to have your daughters scream that they hate you".
Our near 15 year old is doing my head in with their obsession with Mobile Phone, Facebook, and the other chat sites that kids use.
Hardly has a word to say to us unless they want something.
I have got no idea what the answer is ???
We try talking to her, but she gets all defensive, telling us there is nothing to do.
If I find an answer to this, I will make sure I let you know mate.
:cheers:
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I noticed a change in my 14 year old daughter when she started her first part time job a few weeks back, she now has her own bank account and money and feels real important I even let her go out on a lunch date with her first pay and the smile on her face when she chose the restaurant and picked the meal for us was priceless, just that little bit of responsibility that she now has has got rid of alot of her attitude. She has respected the rules that xxx amount of her pay gets banked and she can spend the rest in which she also spends it on her sisters as well.
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My sister is having similar issues to Lost with her son. She has enrolled him into Timbertop next year to 'sort' him out, should be interesting to see if there is any change.
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G'day Mark,
Yep, We know what you are going through, Re my thread about a month ago "How to have your daughters scream that they hate you".
Our near 15 year old is doing my head in with their obsession with Mobile Phone, Facebook, and the other chat sites that kids use.
Hardly has a word to say to us unless they want something.
I have got no idea what the answer is ???
We try talking to her, but she gets all defensive, telling us there is nothing to do.
If I find an answer to this, I will make sure I let you know mate.
:cheers:
Give them nothing and if they want, then they get a part time job. :cheers:
Wayne
I said to my 18 y.o. son, if he passes VCE with reasonable grades and is accepted in Uni he will be going to New York and DisneyWorld etc. so hopefully he will pull his finger out and do ok.
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Give them nothing and if they want, then they get a part time job. :cheers:
Wayne
One of the disadvantages of living in a small town is the prospect of work for our kids.
Their are two businesses in town, A Pub & a General Store.
Grafton is 30k's away and Maclean is 12k's(a half our drive), hmmm,
Different when we were kids(32 odd years ago) and get a job as a Paperboy or clean stables at the racetrack or there were many cnr stores in Ballina at the time that were always chasing kids to work a couple of hours of an afternoon or Saturday morning.
:cheers:
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Mark,
don't stress mate, she is a good kid and seams to have her head screwed on properly. You guys have obviously done something right, trust your gut.
My best suggestion, try everything, take notes.........................and give them to me for Aliyah ;D
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Mark,
Just to back up JK and Craig, as someone who has spent some time with your family as well as spent some time trying to teach Livvy geometry I think whatever you are currently doing is working. She's a great kid and I'm sure she will turn out fine. As you know I'm not a parent so can't speak from experience but for what it's worth remember you only really have another 4 years and she will be in charge of her own life. Make them count!
I said to my 18 y.o. son, if he passes VCE with reasonable grades and is accepted in Uni he will be going to New York and DisneyWorld etc. so hopefully he will pull his finger out and do ok.
As I said above, I'm not a parent, but to me what you are doing there isn't what I would do. University isn't for everyone, and you don't need a university degree to have a happy and successful life. From being at uni I saw lots of kids drop out in their first year as they were 'pushed' into it from their parents, only to find they aren't cut out for it, or it isn't what they enjoy doing. Once they drop out then they really hit rock bottom, all their aspirations are gone, and they have to go through that process of trying to find something else to do. Some cope better with that than others.
Mind you, some of the most amazing people I know have changed careers several times through their life!
I'm sure your son has something he enjoys doing, just let him do that and hope he finds someone to pay him to do it. If that something needs university education then that is already the motivation he needs. Go on the holiday anyway and have a great time.
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My two girls are in their mid twenties so my two bobs worth, is its ok to lose a few battles as long as you win the war and listen to them, its amazing what you learn
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cable ties and external bedroom door locks is all that is required
And a sock
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With a little patience and a few beers I'm sure you'll get through it Mark ;D , if need be Mr McGirr and I can sit her down and set her straight ::)
Cheers mate,
Johnno
Mark, I will assist John if needed. ;D
From one parent to another, teenagers go through another world we don't understand, their words. Be there if she needs help but don't try and control her life. It is hard trying to do this perfectly and you won't. It is a phase they go through and they do come out the other side ok.
There is no perfect way to parent just do your best. You guys will work it out.
My Qualifications: 2 teenagers , boy and girl, now aged 19 and 21.
I hardly drank until they turned 14, now I can't stop. ;D
Mark
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Mark,
We have gone through this with our eldest son (now 21), the second son (now 19) was way easier and the third is 13 and we just know she will be trouble.
We tried the contract thing with the eldest, but in relation to particular issues such as his dog, use of the car etc.. Didn't work out too well in the end, basically because we didn't stick with the contract either. The problem with the dog was I fell in love with it as well and he knew any threats to get rid of the dog were hollow, that is until the dog detroyed LB's childhood soft toy. He still has the dog, the poor thing has moved houses more times than me.
In the end they will turn out OK, even our eldest is going OK now. As I have said recently in another thread, peer group is vital to their development. We stuffed the eldest by letting him change schools from the local Catholic School which maintained rules and boundries (he was top two or three in every class) to the local sports high school where he was considered a "chosen one" and got away with blue murder. He ended up finishing school but would not sit the HSC exams, now he has found out the hard way what he should have done.
Follow your instincts and as someone else said, apologies when you get it wrong (I have become very good at that). They begin thinking that they are king **** when you apoligies to them, but soon learn it is a sign of respect and too take it the way it was intended.
Also as Simon said, Uni isn't for everyone. This is a hard one for me to learn as both my parents and my sister went to Uni and I was expected to as well. I became the family dunce because I didn't go to Uni. I have now realised it si more important to support the kids in what they want to do, suggesting alternative ways to accomplish their goals if needs be, than expect them to do something.
Bunyip
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Hey Mark, only met your family briefly but you all made an obvious impression as being a fun, loving family. Don't over think things too much and certainly don't stress or get hung up about the little things. I worried like hell when our daughter, now almost 19, hit that age. Sure we made some rules, like no TV, no phone etc, unless all homework is done and although there were a couple of challenges along the way, it all worked out just fine. The important thing is to stay friends with her and always reinforce that she can come and talk at any time and you won't judge her, just offer advice.
Dad's have to suck it up some times. Thier little girls do grow up :D
Good luck
KB
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Hi Mark
I was a first time dad at 47, so it was a steep learning curve for me. We have two daughters 13 and 17 and they are both great kids, if you can call the older one a kid. Here are a couple of pointers that we have learned, in no particular order of importance:
1. Remember that there is a fair bit of hormonal and social stuff going with her - all of which, as a bloke, is way above your pay scale. So, if you on the receiving end of bad behaviour (from the eye-roll to the screaming match to the door slam), remember this: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
2. Talk to her, never patronise her, treat her like you would an adult and try to never raise your voice. The last is a particularly hard ask.
3. You are her parent, not her friend. It's impossible to always be both.
4. Stop buying or paying for her clothes. Agree on a realistic annual clothing allowance (maybe $350-$500 at age 14) and let her manage her own clothes money in a dedicated account. If she blows the lot and ends up in rags, that's her problem. Increase the allowance each year. We did that from age 12 - with the allowance paid on their birthday. It shows them you trust them and respect their judgement. We pay for school stuff and the odd special treat. The downside is that, at every country town we pass through, we have to stop at the local Vinnies and shop for "cool" clothes. I grin and bare it.
5. One unbreakable rule is about going out and she must be able to answer these four questions at all times:
Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? How and when will you be getting home?
If she is going to be late, she calls you 30 minutes before due-home-time and you have the option to pick her up. At 14, she should always be in the house before it gets dark, if she it out on her own.
6. Always be available for a quiet yarn, even if it means turning off the footie. Treasure those moments. Try not to give advice unless invited. Ask questions instead.
7. Get to know and enjoy her friends and always make them welcome in your home.
8. The ultimate sanction is "grounding" for a few days or a week or more. Our record is four weeks for a massive Facebook indiscretion. No electronic gadgets, computer only for school work, no outings, no friends in the house, no TV, all meals taken in their room. Pocket money is cancelled, but held over and paid later if they behave well during grounding. If she has a part time job, you pick her up and deliver her. It's harsh but it does work - more in threat than execution.
9. Always try to eat dinner as a family and let everyone have equal time talking.
10. Contracts are a waste of time.
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Dad's have to suck it up some times. Their little girls do grow up :D
I think this is the key to it. We have a 15 y/o girl that some of you have met. She is a great kid but like most girls this age she has the huge expectations of the freedom, clothes, boyfriends, outings and that bottomless money pit of wanting everything and that money grows on trees.
We had to choose our battles. She has a certain amount on her phone and if she doesn't use it wisely then she does without until the next month. She gets a certain amount of pocket money for the week for school. If she wants to go out with friends she has times set for when she has to be home (no evening outings). She always has to tell us who she is going with and where, and that she must answer her phone if we call her. Get to know her friends that she hangs out with and their parents. You learn a lot about your child by the company they choose to keep.We allow her to invite her girlfriends over to our house when we are home (but she always asks first), and we sometimes take a friend of hers away with us when we go camping, down to the beach house, out for dinner etc.
We do still get the occasional arguments about "I am a teenager so why can't I go" but she accepts our answer much easier as she sees we try and be fair about the freedom we give her relevant to her age and at the end of the day we are concerned about her and her well being and not keeping up with the latest fad.
She has had boyfriends that she has been allowed to catch up with during the day in public places, (much to my dislike) but I though it's better I know something and can control the contact to a certain degree, rather than fooling myself into thinking she doesn't and thus know nothing, and her sneaking around as I think that would be worse.
We found that by building a positive relationship with her, she excepts our response a little easier even though it may not be the answer she was hoping for.Accepting that they are growing up is the hardest thing and the first hurdle we as parents need to overcome, and if the kids can see we are prepared to cut them more slack as they get older and are prepared to negotiate to a certain degree then they generally are prepared to negotiate their expectations.
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It's simple, be their parent not their friend. Set the boundaries early and ensure they have strong support/ mentors that aren't you. I don't care to be their friend, they have plenty of friends,My kids are only young so my thinking might change as they get older. But there is a few on here that have met my boys also, they are well adjusted. Myself on the other hand maybe not:)
Swannie
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"Has anyone else done this, and does it work ?"
I figure with the daughter at 25 and finishing uni soon, in about another 5 yrs or so I should be free of the conditions I was set after we discussed it all like mature adults back when she was a teenager. The boyfriend thinks she's amazing and I'm looking forward to him being amazed for the rest of his days too.
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I should add through all this I've come around to a much greater appreciation of the ancient dowry system :cheers:
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The other thing to consider is schooling.
NB - NOT A PUBLIC/PRIVATE THING
A vast majority of influence comes from school - (7hrs a day?). If you get the correct school environment you reduce the negative influences that you end up fighting at night.
Ours go to a small local christian school where the focus is on the school community and behaviours. Ratbags and trouble makers are simply not tolerated and are moved on quick smart if they step outside the guidelines and choose not to play by the rules.
what we pay in fees would comfortably cover repayments on a new 200series or an Ultimate Camper so there is always a cost. Remember, we choose to have children (or the related activity) so its not acceptable to dump them at a school that will not support what we want from them.
Just something to think about.
Good luck.
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My opinion for what it is worth, would be a bit out date as boy is 26 is girl 24.
I know we all want the best for our children and want to be the best parents for our children and sometime to be the best we have to learn to say NO and our children need to learn NO.
The big thing to remember each family is different and each sibling is different, some will be perfect kids all their live and others are the devil reincarnate.
It has been my experience with my own kids and more so with other families I came in contact with through work if you are having problems with your teenage child, you are going to have problems until they leave home. How you handle the situation only determines how quick or later they leave home.
There is no hard and fast set rule and the more set rules there are the easier it is to have a failure. Plans need to be flexible, your kids owe you nothing and you are financially accountable for your children until they are 25 yrs old.
I remember seeing a quote somewhere on the Internet that read similar to "Don't hold a teenage back before they forget everything", but it could also be ' Hire a Teenager While They Still Know Everything'
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Ours go to a small local christian school where the focus is on the school community and behaviours. Ratbags and trouble makers are simply not tolerated and are moved on quick smart if they step outside the guidelines and choose not to play by the rules.
I went to a catholic high school. What those good catholic girls did outside of school hours would make your blood boil. I think the behaviours at home carry more weight than those at school.
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There is no hard and fast set rule and the more set rules there are the easier it is to have a failure. Plans need to be flexible, your kids owe you nothing and you are financially accountable for your children until they are 25 yrs old.
Dont tell me this Al, i was hoping it would be 16 !!!!!!......... :'(
1 more year to go for Billi.....
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I went to a catholic high school.
So did I.. 50% of the "Brothers" are now in jail or suicided... but that's another story.
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There is no hard and fast set rule and the more set rules there are the easier it is to have a failure. Plans need to be flexible, your kids owe you nothing and you are financially accountable for your children until they are 25 yrs old.
Dont tell me this Al, i was hoping it would be 16 !!!!!!......... :'(
1 more year to go for Billi.....
Yep 25 Kev
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Thanks to everyone for taking the time to give me your experiences, insights and feedback. Really appreciated.
I've picked up heaps of ideas but also a lot of comfort. :D :D
Its amazing, I have what many would consider a very complex and stressful job. Yet, bringing up a daughter finds me/us constantly not knowing what is right or wrong, or worrying about the wrong things.
It really is a journey and I think the trick is to make sure we enjoy every step of it.
MarkVS
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I went to a catholic high school. What those good catholic girls did outside of school hours would make your blood boil. I think the behaviours at home carry more weight than those at school.
Notice the ALL CAPS WRITING ABOUT IT NOT BEING PUBLIC OR PRIVATE in my thread.
It's how good the school is not if it's catholic or Christian. My point was that this particular school is a positive influence that just happens to be Christian. By the way, I ain't a Christian.
Obviously if you bother to take the time and effort to find a school that supports your ideals then you are probably a good parent anyway. I think you underestimate the influence school has. How muc time do we actually spend of an evening with our kids. 2-3 hrs maybe?
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Whilst offspring are all different there are some common threads like-
Sibling rivalry/comparison - How come he (older brother) is allowed to do x and I'm not, or he got y and I didn't? This is the only time you can depend on them to recognise the actual cost of anything.
Parental guilt trip- Well Chelsea, Tamara, Michelle, etc, etc's parents all let them do x whenever they want... Basically why are you trogs not up to pace with the times and modern parenting? A subsequent chat with said parents shows their daughters including yourselves in exactly the same line of argument.
Parents never existed in any other form before they were parents- Where have you been/what have you been up to girl and don't give me any of your fancy stories because I can look into your eyes and know instantly if you're not telling me the truth....(drivel with the eyes thingy but I sure will know because I've used them all before at your age dummy)
Then there's the gender difference between individual parent and particular offspring but that's a theme for a book, sufficeth to say dad, your daughter is growing up and practising to be a woman and you're it at present feller.
If you've ever owned a cat you'll quickly get the picture. Wants something and it's all purr purr and rubbing up against you with Daaaaaad.....? Otherwise it's busy and aloof and you're to be ignored altogether so don't bug the cat or it'll be all reowwwr, spitfffft and claws, particularly if you stray into their personal domain. Try and savour the memories of Barbie dolls, hugs and kisses and whatever emotional scraps are thrown your way when they want something urgently, like they've locked their keys in the car at 3am way across town. Remember she will be with friends so do not wear your pyjamas/dressing gown and only speak to them if spoken to.
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You could always do what my parents did ... Lock me in my room till I got married ...
Which I still haven't done btw ...
Seriously, my parents simply didn't put up with this Shit. They didn't need a contract (I was a kid not a business partner), they didn't need a second opinion (what they said went), they didn't need threats (a simple look did it), they did it with love and a firm hand (no they didn't bash us ... they were always firm and unyielding in their approach), they were united in their approach (one parent didn't give in if the other said no).
We were kids and at home it was NOT a democracy.
I reckon I turned out 75% okay ... We can blame the other 25% on after I left home :cup: :cheers: :angel:
Kit_e
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We were kids and at home it was NOT a democracy.
Kit_e
This exactly, if any of our four believe they should be higher on in the pecking order than us, its time they head out into the real world and find out for themselves.
First one went for six months and has come back "for a while" which seems to be increasing in time daily >:(
Next one is claiming to leave at years end..... time will tell :D
We are the boss, what we says goes, if not, on your bike.
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(http://img843.imageshack.us/img843/909/urde.jpg)
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My parents had a verbal contract/agreement with me.
They bought me into this world and one false move and they'd take me right back out of it again.
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My parents had a verbal contract/agreement with me.
They bought me into this world and one false move and they'd take me right back out of it again.
Actually, I think you just nailed it ... That's exactly how it was. LMAO!!
:cup:
Kit_e
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My parents had a verbal contract/agreement with me.
They bought me into this world and one false move and they'd take me right back out of it again.
We constantly tell the kids that one lol
And remember, if you don't screw them up a little bit, they'll never leave home!
Not sure about this whole contract thing. My house, my rules. Like it or lump it.
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I just tell the kids I only saw them come out, never saw them go in