Royal Navy News
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from
Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named
HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS
Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century
and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety
and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair
access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the
risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of
compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty
24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance
with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and
disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week
in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the
vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated
on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its
traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone
the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.
Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all
ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only on request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours,
except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages
and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask
permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to
women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White
Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a
ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who
will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the
water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village
People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said,
"While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they
are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation
coming out of Brussels ."
Ps Perhaps Mr Abbot should take note as it appears he will be our next PM
